Sports

Kurtenbach: Here's the quick 48-team World Cup 2026 preview you need

By Dieter Kurtenbach, Bay Area News Group The Tribune Content Agency

Updated June 11, 2026 5:21 AM

The World Cup is here, and it’s too big and too bloated to do a true preview.

FIFA realized a perfectly good 32-team tournament was leaving ungodly amounts of broadcast money on the table.

So now we have 48 teams, 104 games, a bracket that does not and will never actually make any sense, and a continent-spanning logistical nightmare masquerading as the globe’s best summer festival, all in the name of squeezing every last dime out of corporate sponsors and exhausted fans.

Also, soccer.

But we can be honest: You don’t have the time to learn the tactical nuances of Uzbekistan’s midfield, and you don’t want me to tell you about it, either.

So we’re doing this the easy way.

Welcome to the quickest World Cup preview in the game.

No formations, no expected goals, just unadulterated, cynical judgment from someone who needs a break from complaining about the Giants’bullpen.

Here is exactly all you need to know about the 48 teams competing for the trophy:

Group A

Mexico: The cohosts will ride a wave of home-soil hysteria straight into their trademark, agonizing Round-of-16 elimination.
South Africa: Bafana Bafana is eager to prove that surviving qualifying is a far greater achievement than anything they’ll actually manage to do in North America.
South Korea: Son Heung-min really deserves better than to have to do this all by himself.
Czechia: Their soul-crushing low block is being researched by Eli Lilly as a prescription sleep aid.

Group B

Canada: This is their golden generation. It’s a shame they have to explain the nuances of the game through hockey terms. Shoot blocker side, eh.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Less a soccer team and more a collection of fearless mercenaries willing to turn a Tuesday afternoon in Toronto into a knife fight.
Qatar: These boys think they know heat. They’re about to find out about Levi’s Stadium at high noon.
Switzerland: Ready to deliver the most exquisitely neutral, perfectly organized scoreless draws North America has ever witnessed. How does their jersey not have a button-down collar?

Group C

Brazil: Coming to a stadium near you, their inevitable, spectacular, tear-filled quarterfinal meltdown they will blame on the only thing they have going for them: the young players.
Morocco: Out to prove their 2022 semifinal run wasn’t a miracle by suffocating group-stage defenses and springing devastating, track-meet counter-attacks.
Haiti: A genuinely heartwarming underdog story of survival that is unfortunately about to be brutally embarrassed in public.
Scotland: The Tartan Army will drink the host cities completely dry. This team either reaches the final eight or loses all three group matches - no in-between.

Group D

United States: Armed with the most talented attack in federation history and home-field advantage, they are fully prepared for a deeply patriotic Round-of-32 collapse to a nation of 5 million that’s on a Cinderella run.
Paraguay: They treat a casual midfield transition like a multi-generational blood feud, bringing peak South American CONMEBOL, ahem, gamesmanship to the North.
Australia: Essentially the United States, but with no expectations. They’re living right down there, save for the food.
Turkey: Pure, unadulterated chaos delivered by one of the most exciting groups of young talent in the world. This is a team that considers playing defense a personal insult to their ancestors. That’s a treat for casuals.

Group E

Germany: The machine-like efficiency is terrifying, right up until a single speck of dirt falls into the gears. Who will be der Sündenbock this year?
Curaçao: Answering the age-old question: What if the Dutch had two national teams in the tournament? (They still won’t win.)
Ivory Coast: Ready to run through brick walls, rack up three red cards and provide the most aesthetically pleasing kit in the tournament.
Ecuador: We all get to find out if high-altitude Andean lungs can survive the swampy, suffocating dread of Philly, Kansas City and New Jersey in June.

Group F

Netherlands: Bringing Total Football, total arrogance and an incomplete team. Don’t worry, the expectations will still be preposterously high.
Japan: Every single player brings elite hair to their overload party. This is the true soccer hipster’s dark horse.
Sweden: Now that the towering ghost of Zlatan Ibrahimović has finally stopped looming over them, they might actually be allowed to pass the ball to each other.
Tunisia: Consistently capable enough to qualify, totally incapable from that point onwards.

Group G

Belgium: The “Golden Generation” is officially over, not that you’d know it from looking at the roster. Now it’s the “Gray Generation.”
Egypt: Watching a 34-year-old Mohamed Salah heroically try to drag 10 distinctly average teammates for 90-plus minutes is a thrilling exercise.
Iran: Nope, no context there.
New Zealand: Having easily swatted aside Fiji and New Caledonia to qualify (seriously), they are obviously battle-tested for the big stage. Also, Tim Payne is an internet thing now because we live in the most bizarre timeline.

Group H

Spain: They will complete 1,200 passes, monopolize possession, miss 14 shots and score exactly once on a counter. They will still make you feel deeply uncultured for wondering why these guys are the favorites.
Cape Verde: A tiny island nation of 500,000 is effectively a seat-filler at the Oscars.
Saudi Arabia: We finally get to see what a trillion dollars of shameless domestic sportswashing buys on the international stage: zero goals.
Uruguay: A terrifying manifestation of little-country syndrome, arriving as the most extra, rule-bending, fiercely aggressive and deeply annoying dark horse in the world. Every blue jersey will be stained with blood by the end of the match. Whose blood? Who can say?

Group I

France: The most devastatingly talented squad on earth, perfectly primed for yet another catastrophic, ego-driven locker room mutiny.
Senegal: Their world-class stadium drumlines perfectly mask a wildly inconsistent, chaotic midfield that loves to live on the edge of disaster.
Iraq: Unbreakable. Only here to ruin your good time. Looking for three straight nil-nil, no-shot draws.
Norway: Erling Haaland finally made it to a World Cup, and the cyborg looks absolutely starved for human flesh on the global stage.

Group J

Argentina: A 38-year-old Lionel Messi walking around the center circle on one good hamstring is still a more terrifying prospect than your team’s two-legged star.
Algeria: Committed to aggressively cutting inside from the left wing until the actual heat death of the universe.
Austria: A hyper-organized, relentless pressing machine utterly devoid of anything resembling human joy or spontaneity. You can almost hear them crying while they play.
Jordan: Just happy to be invited to the party.

Group K

Portugal: Will this be the year a 41-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo finally puts the needs of his country before his own ego? Haha. Good one.
Congo DR: They have a guy in a blue suit in the crowd who just stands at attention for the whole game. He rules.
Uzbekistan: They’re called the White Wolves, and they have more Vs in their names than all the other squads combined. People who are trying to be cool will pretend they watched their game - no one will.
Colombia: The entire world is watching, in desperate hope of another meticulously coordinated goal-celebration dance.

Group L

England: The most talented generation in decades is here to help an entire nation invent brand new, scientifically advanced ways to experience deep clinical depression. The only thing “coming home” is disappointment.
Croatia: Do you want to see a 40-year-old Luka Modrić casually dominate a nation of in-their-prime 23-year-olds? Of course you do.
Ghana: They will look like absolute world-beaters right up until a catastrophic, gut-wrenching defensive lapse. Rinse and repeat five times a match.
Panama: The ultimate tournament vibes team, entirely and blissfully unbothered by the stakes, tactical discipline, or the concept of wins and losses.

So, yeah, go soccer?

This story was originally published June 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM.