1. Videos of you singing. You are not Beyoncé. You cannot hold a note for as long as Adele can. Stop trying. There is always a lag between the music and your voice. You can try to be smooth and lip-sync, but we totally know that hollow-sounding voice is not yours.
We have to wonder if there are other people in the car who are seeing you sway back and forth while lip-syncing. We’d rather have a video of their reaction to your stupidity than have to see your stupidity.
2. Videos of anything, actually. Phones are kept on vibrate in this day an age. So when your video is opened, chances are, there is no sound. We will always miss the first three seconds of sound on your snap video. So keep that in mind as you record concerts and your child’s first words. The rest of us aren’t really interested in it anyway.
We cannot differentiate songs at concert venues, nor know that your child is saying “Goodbye” when it sounds more like “Gooboo.” More than likely, we double-tapped long ago, and just respond with “YASSSSS” no matter what you actually sent us. If we actually respond at all.
3. Your Starbucks cup. Unless they wrote your name next to an obscenity, we don’t really care that you got coffee this morning. We do see that you are lazy enough to not make your own coffee, and also that you are bad enough with money that you will spend $5 a day just to send a snap of your sugared caffeine.
Although, if your friends are baristas, you can bet that they are looking closely at the tag to what you ordered, and are judging you for ordering a caramel frappuccino with extra caramel. You fatty. No one needs that much caramel.
4. Any picture you send to your story, and to me. Excuse me, am I not special? Why do I want to see something you sent to everyone? Just put it on Facebook if you care about it so much.
When you send me a snap of something you added to your story, I will passive-aggressively not watch your story for a full 24 hours. You probably sent it to me anyway. Heaven forbid any one of us miss something you did today. Like eat tacos and watch Netflix all day. Oops, did I just summarize your entire life? My bad.
5. Sending stand-alone selfies. You are narcissistic and you think you are cute. We get that. We think we are cute, too. But that does not mean we send selfies about our eyebrows every single day. What would be more useful is if you sent us a photo of your brows, with the name of the person who did them for you, so that we can hit that place up, too.
What we would like to see more of is all the times you have bad hair days, or can’t wing your liner equally. Those are priceless moments worth documenting.
6. Gym selfies. Yes, there are mirrors everywhere at Planet Fitness. Those are there so you can look at your form. Not for selfies of your gains. An occasional one is acceptable. We are generally interested in you being healthy. But if you send one every day, we cannot see your progress. We just see that you have bad sweat stains. Or worse, no sweat stains.
You are not working out, you are just at the gym to take selfies and leave weights on the ground everywhere. Scale back on the gym selfies.
7. Darkly lit photos of yourself. We know what you are trying to do. You are not setting any kind of mood. We can’t see your face and we have no desire to see your penis. We see the weird glint in your eyes, and the fact that you are randomly shirtless does not go unnoticed.
Put your clothes back on and forget about sending a picture.
Megan Bronson is a senior at Fresno State majoring in English and is the opinion and politics editor for The Collegian, where this first appeared.