Successes, sorrows, aches and pains: Fresno man nears 90 and muses on life’s course
As I miraculously approach my 90th birthday, my mind is churned by many conflicting thoughts.
My first is one of amazement, as I view the present. I had never visualized that I would live to this age. And there were plenty of scares along the way. I was recently felled to the gym floor with an often fatal bout of ventricular tachycardia, saved by timely intervention and electric shock. I was operated on several times for stage 3B melanoma, often fatal. Somehow I survived those.
Often I feel a deep sadness as I look into the past. I think of the myriad folks who have gone before me: parents, my sister, my wife, all my wife’s siblings and many more family members have preceded me in death, along with most friends and acquaintances.
On a national scale, I think of the troubled waters of World War II and how are nation pulled together. We had rationing of many items, but we were a unified land. Today I almost weep as I view the turbulent national sea of conflict, with crosscurrents of fake news, conspiracy theories, vaccine rejection and denial of truth, all calling for my active involvement.
But the future view is the most challenging. The reality is that I have a life expectancy of single digits, and probably low single digits. So what to do with these remaining days, weeks, months, a few years? I have what I call decreased “gumption” with which to confront the future. That is the ”fire in the belly” that propelled me through university and law school, building a law firm, raising a family, backpacking more than 1000 miles, and much more.
It is my observation, and that of many others, that this precious commodity decreases dramatically with age. This challenge taps into a philosophical question that tormented ancient Greek thinkers and most philosophers since then. Should we live for pleasure (“Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you die!”) or service? And all of this with diminished gumption to fuel whatever choice I make.
Is suffering to stay in shape worth the effort? I was historically diligent with my fitness. I had a trainer and went to the gym regularly, but this all ended with COVID. Now I try to exercise at home. Is it worth it? Maybe instead of the walker-assisted 3,000 steps a day, I should just eat fatty foods, drink a few cocktails at night, smoke my long-forbidden cigars, and watch TV. I am still struggling to stay alive for the maximum time with my aging body, but just quitting and vegging on a recliner loom as a constant lure.
And finally, as I look at the perceived sad state of affairs in the U.S. and the world, should I try to do what I can to make this a better world? I can support people on the telephone, on Zoom, by mail, and in person. I can donate to charitable causes. I can vote and stay abreast of current events. I can support my church and other social groups. And I can give much needed support and encouragement to my extended family.
I think of Shakespeare’s Hamlet facing the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” Like the youthful Hamlet, sleep and peace loom for me as an alternative. Yet so far I have fought on, and hope to use my last few moments here on Earth, my last gasp of diminishing gumption, to make it a better place.
My creaky and aching body can only do so much. But it is something, and beats the alternative of a couch-based cocktail life with an earlier death. But just barely. The battle goes on! Gumption, I need you very badly each day.