COVID-19, the election, lockdowns: Fresno native seeks relief when it is all too much

“It’s too much,” we said, looking at each other with tears in our faces.

My cousin and I stared at each other across our table at Blast and Brew in Old Town Clovis, under a pop-up tent in the parking lot. Between our kids asking if they could order more Sprite and my little one sticking her fingers into the incredible homemade Bavarian pretzel to catch the coarse salt, us moms sat there and tried not to weep in front of our kids about so many disturbing issues happening at once. This was almost a month ago.

Blame the ongoing obsessive fear about COVID-19. Blame borderline-tyrannical California government. Blame the hostility of social media. Blame a world community who seems to have lost all rational reasoning and soul. Blame the ignored tragedy launched by Azeris and Turks on Armenian civilians in the Nagorno-Karabakh region. (Azerbaijan, aided by Turkey, attacked peaceful civilians in the area of Artsakh on Sept. 27 and it escalated into war. If you know Armenian/Turkish history, these happenings can be compared to modern-day Nazis launching an attack on Israel with intent to “finish the Holocaust.”)

“I never thought the dark days of my childhood would return to me like this, with what’s happening here and there,” my cousin confessed She grew up in Yerevan, Armenia and her family still lives there. It broke my heart even more.

Cut to the new tragedy: Our election. No matter what side you’re on, I think most can agree that might be the end of the United States of America as we know it. Trust — in our elected officials, our media, our voting practices, our neighbors — is now (poof!) all gone. I fear the Greatest Generation rolling in their graves. (I pray I’m wrong.)

It feels like it’s too much, because it is too much. Has age slowed me down and made me intolerant, or have I just now woken up? Since my mom passed three Novembers ago, my brain has unquestionably changed — it’s sadder but wiser, angrier yet more alert, softer but more outspoken.

Personally, I’ve felt stalled since then. And in 2020, we’re now all feeling stalled. Stuck. Trapped. Drained. Every age. In different ways and in the same ways. Do you feel human? (I don’t.) We are all entering a new phase of life and country, whether we want to admit it or not. On that day at Blast and Brew, my cousin said something so prophetic I can’t get it out of my mind: She identified this change, this shift that’s happening, as being “pregnant.” Maybe we’re all pregnant.

Here I’d been thinking my own feelings of desolation, depression and depletion were equivalent to my spirit being barren. But maybe we’re all truly waiting for something new — something trying to awaken us, to bring hope and peace for the long run? Maybe we must trudge through this dangerous, metaphorical “pregnancy” we’re experiencing to birth something to resurrect us all? (I certainly can’t fathom mustering extra energy for any kind of delivery right now ... but we don’t seem to have a choice.)

So how to cope with a difficult pregnancy? Stay vigilant with our health — physical and mental. Keep asking questions — even the hard ones. Get up, go outside and talk to real people every day, even if some days feel awful. Eat lots of ice cream (hello, “pregnancy”). And, on the days we need it most: rest. Because it’s all too much.