How rain puddles don’t taste like chocolate milk, and other key weather facts

For amateur meteorologists, like myself, severe winter storms are like dysentery: I am intimately familiar with the symptoms, but helpless to make them stop.

For everyone else, here are some rules for dealing with rain in the Central Valley during this holiday season.

1. Get educated:

Most people know that rain has been scientifically proven to be liquid water. As a kid, I didn’t. This isn’t uncommon, as most only see water’s natural state: bottled.

For example, I asked my parents once if it had electrolytes.

“No, but sometimes puddles taste like chocolate,” my father said.

They don’t.

I also misunderstood ice. I thought rain flattened like pancakes, forming “snow.” Since snow was a collection of pancake molecules, like a flapjack staircase, it was therefore difficult to drive on.

In Texas, I was traumatized by hail, snow’s angry cousin. Rather than arguing about the Marvel Cinematic Universe, hail tried to murder me and destroy my father’s Jeep.

Weather phenomena like these are actually amazingly widespread, but unseen, like diarrhea after eating Takis; so it’s important to learn about our Valley climate. Read articles or use weather-tracking apps!

But don’t drink puddles; they are not chocolate flavored and never will be.

2. Be circumspect

As my wife and I left on a recent trip, friends and family lamented our departure.

“You're missing the rain!”

During our turbulent flight, we pressed our faces against the airplane windows. Some passengers began to pray, but we took out our AirPods and hissed:

“My God, the avocados this year will be so supple!”

Californians can be exceedingly fervent regarding rain, but must understand that not all states suffer from this affliction, and act accordingly.

In rainy situations, one should act with insouciance. A Valley resident abroad should just send gloating photos to family and nothing more. You don’t want to be dragged away at the San Antonio airport for licking the lounge windows and moaning about the thirsty, thirsty pistachios.

At family gatherings, it’s important to recognize that states with more rainfall have a different decorum. It’s not proper to ask your aunt if she’s using the restroom when she gets up from the Thanksgiving table. It is taboo, moreover, to then add:

“Don’t flush, I have to go, too.”

3. Be grateful

A few years ago, I was teaching when hail knocked the power out. Despondent, my students wanted to keep working and not use their phones to record the inclement weather or use Snapchat.

During these trying circumstances, a girl told me, in a plaintive voice, that her chickens were outside. She was upset, imagining the blunt force trauma her sweet hens were experiencing. I consoled her, but in my heart, I believed that their deaths were worth it. For the water.

For nearly a decade, the most prevalent piece of single use plastic in California was the rainfall gauge. So when people complain of the 99 flooding at Jensen or the Kings River jumping its banks, I sermonize about a presentation I saw in fifth grade in San Diego. Two adults in white polos and an anthropomorphic water droplet taught us to turn off the tap when brushing our teeth and jump into the shower without warming it up. If we did not, it was inferred, we were wastomg and therefore personally offending the water droplet and its people.

Several years later, the wildfires swept through San Diego and we were evacuated at 5 a.m. I remember thinking of the empty stare of the water droplet and hoping that they were using only the red fire retardant to save our lives.

In this holiday season, it’s important to be thankful for the rain. Think of it like rich aunt who comes to stay for the holidays. Sure, she has a small dog that thinks children’s fingers are food; but someday, when she’s dead and we use her body for farming, we will be glad she came to stay.

Rain might create havoc, but, in lieu of espresso, we all need it to live. This holiday season, savor the rain, celebrate the snow, and ignore what the hail says about the new Thor movie.

And remember: rain rules!

This story was originally published December 13, 2019 at 6:00 AM with the headline "How rain puddles don’t taste like chocolate milk, and other key weather facts."