No more bucket list for me. The end is near thanks to climate change.
Dagnabbit! Life is good, and as retirement looms in the not too distant future, I’m hearing from the climate change sweaty palmed hand-wringers that there won’t be a distant future.
To my dismay, octogenarian Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s response to the U.S. withdrawal from the Paris climate accord is “if the climate warms five degrees in the next 50 years, we’re done as a planet.” I read on, “if it goes up 5 to 9 percent, climate change is not handle-able. It’s catastrophic. And it’s real.”
Gasp! Hyperventilation!
As I remove the paper bag from my mouth, I’m hightailing it to the bank to withdraw cash from my paltry accounts, selling my belongings, writing farewell notes to my beloved relatives and friends and canceling the neutering appointment I made for my neighbor’s annoying, barking dog.
I’m gonna throw my food scraps into the trash instead of the compost bin, and drink water straight from the tap! Sadly, I will have to cease accomplishing items from my bucket list and instead roll a Cheech and Chong-sized joint with it because it’s worthless!
Going to live life dangerously from now on; what do I have to lose? The faux intellectuals run amok.
Mark Ybarra, Fresno
This story was originally published June 5, 2017 at 1:05 PM with the headline "No more bucket list for me. The end is near thanks to climate change.."