Fresno native lost a daughter in a bike crash. Her tweets help others deal with tragedy

How do you talk to someone after they have lost a loved one?

How can you help a person while they’re going through difficult times?

Fresno native Kaye Steinsapir has some advice, having survived cancer and, more recently, grieving after the death of her 12-year-old daughter.

And her wisdom is offered at a time when so many Americans are coping with death or the anniversary of a loved one’s passing following the United States’ deadliest year since the World War II era due to the coronavirus pandemic.

“I know what it’s like to feel like you’re alone while going through the worst imaginable tragedy,” said Steinsapir, who gained a large social media following while sharing her heartbreaking experiences on Twitter. “If I have to go through all of that suffering, I hope my experiences will help other people.”

It was on Jan. 31 that Steinsapir’s daughter, Molly, had to be rushed to the hospital after hitting her head while riding her bicycle.

Molly had been wearing a helmet, Steinsapir said, and was bicycling with a friend near the family’s home in Los Angeles.

Doctors initially thought Molly would be fine and recover in time. But she suddenly suffered swelling in her brain and wasn’t able to wake up, Steinsapir said.

Roughly two weeks after the accident, Molly passed away.

Exactly why Molly died remains unresolved.

But her death and the experiences that Steinsapir has shared on social media have provided comfort and clarity to countless people who connected with what happened — if even many of whom never had a chance to meet the lovable girl whose passion for life included loving animals, caring for the planet and being kind to others.

And with it, the #TeamMolly movement was born.

It’s a way of remembering Molly and honoring her life, and helping others impacted by loss.

‘Don’t avoid us’

Steinsapir said one of the worst things to do is knowing someone is suffering but then pretending nothing is wrong or to outright “avoid us.”

“That makes the person feel worse, when someone avoids us or acts like nothing happened,” Steinsapir said. “Sometimes, it does take courage to reach out to people who are grieving or dealing with a major illness.

“But it doesn’t have to be a big undertaking. The words you say can be quite helpful. Something as simple as ‘I’m so sorry’ can mean a lot.”

Find a way to help

The expression “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” is actually not that helpful, Steinsapir said, because it requires the person who’s grieving to come up with something that they think you could do.

And during a time of grief, can one really think that clearly?

The expression, to some, also can come off as cliché, almost an empty gesture, even if that’s not the intention.

Instead, Steinsapir suggests simply finding a way to help, whether it be big or small.

One example that Steinsapir shared on social media was the time her childhood best friend, Tera, drove from Fresno to Los Angeles unannounced.

Turns out, Tera showed up the day that Molly’s condition took a turn for the worse and underwent surgery.

Tera, who went to Central High with Steinsapir, expressed how that she just needed to see her best friend but also did not want to intrude.

Steinsapir assured Tera that she was welcomed to stay. It reminded her of the time her longtime friend happened to show up the day Steinsapir had surgery while battling cancer five years ago.

“It takes a special person to sit with someone in their pain,” Steinsapir wrote on Twitter.

Waiting at their home until it was time to visit Molly again, Steinsapir and her husband, Jonathan, were “basically catatonic when we weren’t sobbing.”

Tera went to the kitchen and just started washing dishes.

Then she opened the refrigerator and asked Jonathan if he’d like her to make a quesadilla for him.

“He looked up and said, ‘You know what, that would actually be really nice,’” Steinsapir recalled. “We didn’t know what we needed. Tera didn’t know how she could help. She just showed up.

“Her simple acts of care and kindness came when we needed them most.”

Share a happy memory

Perhaps nothing brings Steinsapir more joy about her daughter these days than when someone recalls fond memories of Molly.

During Molly’s memorial service, her 10-year-old brother, Nathaniel, shared a story that made Steinsapir smile.

Nate, who along with 5-year-old Eli are Molly’s younger brothers, spoke of how a little girl they knew had diabetes, as well as a cell phone.

During a Girl Scouts trip, Molly ended up telling people that she had diabetes, too, believing it would help her get a phone of her own, her brother said.

“My mom and dad got a call asking if (Molly) had diabetes, and they were like, ‘No’” Nate said with a smile while his mom roll her eyes but while smiling wide. “That’s something else you need to know to describe what she was like.

“She was amazing. I miss her so much. I want her back.”

Steinsapir, who along with her husband are prominent lawyers in Los Angeles, suggests others, too, should share memories of loved ones who are gone with those grieving.

Steinsapir finds comfort when people do a kind deed or acts of remembrance to show they’re thinking of her daughter.

A search of #TeamMolly and #MollyRocks on social media shows a stream of photos of “Molly” written in the sand at beaches all over the world, and stones painted in different colors with “Molly” written on them.

Steinsapir’s tweets that chronicled the ups and downs of Molly’s care caught so many people’s attention, among them Star Wars star Mark Hamill.

“Sending all our love to Molly!” tweeted the actor who portrays Luke Skywalker in the films.

In addition, a man who works on Capitol Hill took notice and contacted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office. He explained what happened to Molly and arranged to have a U.S. flag flown in her honor.

“I’m amazed every day by the strangers who’ve taken to Molly’s story,” Steinsapir said. “I want to talk about Molly, and it makes me comforted and happy when they’re inspired by her.

“If people know someone who’s grieving, I encourage them to reach out. Just saying you remember their child’s name or the name of the person who’s gone, it can go a long way.”

Give yourself time

For those dealing directly with the loss of a loved one, Steinsapir has this reminder: Everyone grieves at their own pace..

“There are many times I cry with my husband and sons for Molly,” Steinsapir said. “We’re all going through the grieving process. We are supporting each other through this.

“But I’m also very motivated knowing that the best way to honor Molly is to live a beautiful, joyful life.”

Make a list

Steinsapir also suggests those coping with death to write a list for family and friends to see how they can help.

She said that was a lesson she learned while dealing with breast cancer and being too physically weak.

“You might be surprised that there are people who actually love to do what you might ask help for,” Steinsapir said. “I wanted to plant my garden, make a quilt out of Molly’s clothes. Those were just some of the things.

“I was astounded everything on the list was picked up. It’s concrete ideas how they can help, you’re sharing what’s all on your plate. ...

“Sometimes, you just have to open the door and let them in,” Steinsapir said. “Transparency allows other people around you to see what you’re going through. Maybe that helps with healing.”

Honoring Molly in Fresno

As a great-granddaughter to longtime zoo director Dr. Paul Chaffee, Molly maybe was destined to have a passion for animals.

That love was so strong, she became a vegetarian at age 4 without coaxing from her parents.

A scholarship has since been established in Molly’s honor at the Fresno Chaffee Zoo.

The Molly Steinsapir Scholarship Fund provides underserved children the opportunity to attend zoo camp and receive further education about the natural world.

Donations also are being accepted to help fund the scholarship and allow more children a chance to learn about animals and nature.

Currently, 16 campers will be able to attend thanks to the scholarship fund.

In addition, the Chaffee Zoo will hold “A Day for Molly at the Zoo” on July 18.

For more information, visit the Molly Steinsapir Foundation.

“Molly was very special, an extraordinary girl,” Steinsapir said. “It’s a source of comfort to me that people feel like they know her and do things to honor her.

“Whatever positivity that comes out of my experiences and helps others, that gives meaning to my daughter’s life.”

This story was originally published June 7, 2021 at 5:00 AM.