The Right Thing: When fair isn't equal in family giving

What's the right thing to do when an aging parent, still mentally sharp and financially secure, gives one adult child tens of thousands of dollars over time, but gives nothing to another?

A reader we're calling Louise says that for years her mother has been quietly handing her cash gifts: $1,000 here, $1,200 there, despite repeated objections. Louise estimates the total has exceeded $25,000. Each time she protests, telling her mother she doesn't need the money. But her mother insists, sometimes angrily, that she wants to give it and expects it to be accepted.

Complicating matters is that her mother has chosen not to give similar gifts to Louise's sister. When Louise has pointed this out, her mother responds that the sister is well-off and "doesn't need it."

Louise believes the arrangement is unfair. She also worries about the potential strain such gifts could create between her and her sister once they are discovered. If these gifts aren't openly acknowledged to both Louise and her sister, they could result in misunderstanding or resentment.

She has considered returning the money without her mother's knowledge or, after her mother's death, trying to square things up so both sisters will have received equal amounts. That either action would go against her mother's wishes gives Louise pause.

Louise's mother has the right to decide how to distribute her money, even if Louise finds those decisions inequitable. Many families strive for equal treatment among children, but others define fairness differently, based on need, circumstance or personal judgment. Whether or not Louise agrees, her mother has been clear about her intent.

Louise may not be able to change her mother's behavior, and it may not be her place to do so. She can, however, decide how to respond. If accepting future gifts feels wrong or potentially harmful to her relationship with her sister, she might choose to say so clearly and consistently, even if her mother disagrees.

If Louise feels strongly that accepting the money is inconsistent with her values, she might also choose to refuse future gifts. If she takes that path, the right thing would be to do so with kindness and directness. Her mother may respond that giving brings her joy. Louise can acknowledge that generosity with gratitude while still explaining that accepting the money does not bring her joy, but makes her uncomfortable.

Waiting to try to "fix" the imbalance later by redistributing the money after her mother's death might result in causing her sister to resent that such an action needed to take place. It would also not honor Louise's mother's wishes. That's why choosing to be honest and direct with her mother in refusing to take the gifts could be her best choice.

Perfect fairness might be impossible to achieve. But if Louise can find a way to respect her mother while being honest with her about her reasons for refusing these gifts, it could help get closer to the level of fairness Louise desires. It might not be a perfect response and it could result in some challenging conversations with her mother. But by being honest with her mother, she might come closer to a resolution with which they both can live.

____

Copyright 2026 Tribune Content Agency. All Rights Reserved.

This story was originally published April 28, 2026 at 1:13 AM.