What are Fresno’s headliners getting for Christmas? Santa Marek made a list
Santa Marek wrapped some gifts and left them under the tree.
● For Fresno Mayor Jerry Dyer …
… a clone. Just so that Dyer (who seemed to be everywhere during his first year in office) can actually be in two places at once.
● For Fresno County District Attorney Lisa Smittcamp …
… a Monopoly set with both Get Out of Jail Free cards missing.
● For Fresno State football coach Jeff Tedford …
… a 295-pound defensive tackle in the transfer portal.
● For Fresno County Interim Health Officer Rais Vohra …
… getting the “interim” removed from his title, if the good doctor so desires.
● For Fresno City Councilmember Garry Bredefeld …
… a relaxing weekend at a luxury spa in Ojai. (Perfect for somebody who exists in a perpetual state of anger.)
● For Fresno City Councilmember Esmeralda Soria …
… an open seat to continue her political career after she terms out next year. Quite the logjam.
● For Derek Carr …
… a clean divorce from the Silver & Black.
● For Fresno State President Saúl Jiménez-Sandoval and State Center Community College District Chancellor Carole Goldsmith…
… a stockpile of rapid COVID tests.
● For Fresno antimask activist Ben Martin …
… a copy of “Anger Management For Dummies.”
● For Central Valley Fuego FC …
… clarity on where Fresno’s newest pro soccer team will play home games starting May 7. (Hearing Fresno State, at least for a few years.)
● For Fresno homeless (she prefers “unhoused”) advocate Dez Martinez …
… a row of free and clean apartments.
● For Adventure Church pastor Anthony Flores …
… a touch of Christlike humility.
● For Tower Theatre owner Laurence Abbate …
… a sudden change of heart.
● For San Joaquin River Conservancy executive director John Shelton …
… managed public access at Ball Ranch and Ledger Island.
● For Fresno Chief of Police Paco Balderrama …
… a system that doesn’t pay officers more to stay home on long-term leave than return to active duty.
● For Fresno State social media mavens and WWE “Next In Line” signees Hanna and Haley Cavinder …
… an endorsement deal with one of the leading brands of topical pain relief creams. (For the in-ring bumps.)
● For South Fresno residents …
… a 36-month moratorium from any new warehouses or industrial development.
● For Fresno State athletic director Terry Tumey …
… a stack of $100 bills large enough to kickstart Bulldog Stadium renovations.
● For California Sen. Andreas Borgeas …
… an almost ideally drawn district for a Fresno Republican to win election to Congress. (Oops. He got that already.)
● For Fresno County Supervisor and San Joaquin Valley air district TV pitchman Buddy Mendes …
... acting lessons.
● For retiring Madera County Supervisor Tom Wheeler …
… an original pressing of “Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs” by Marty Robbins.
● For Congressmen Tom McClintock and Kevin McCarthy …
… Thomas Guides for north Fresno and Clovis.
● For boxer Jose Ramirez …
… another crack at a world championship belt.
● For California’s High Speed Rail Authority …
… enough funding to ensure those overpasses and underpasses crossing Union Pacific tracks throughout Fresno actually get built.
● For the Clovis City Council …
… a building project without contaminated soil or threatened salamanders.
● For Bill McEwen (from whom I shamelessly stole this gimmick) …
… continued good health.
● For Devin Nunes, my soon-to-be ex-congressman …
… a receptacle worthy of his Presidential Medal of Freedom.
● For China Peak Mountain Resort owner Tim Cohee …
… odorless marijuana smoke.
● For central San Joaquin Valley health-care workers …
… a greater sense of appreciation. Especially by those dismissive of vaccines, boosters and masks.
● For everyone else …
… Merry Christmas, happy holidays and my sincere thanks for reading this far.
