The Giants filled a (Mike) Leake. The Dodgers are (Mat) Latos tolerant. The 49ers are whining again. The Raiders are steering the pace Carr.
Happy August, where baseball’s pennant race and football’s training camps conspire to offer us plenty of provender to get through this Sunday space.
Having been absent two weeks working at youth summer camps — remember, kids, you don’t have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than your buddy — here’s what we would give our left kidney to hear someone actually say out loud as we wind done the summer-dehydration season:
▪ 1. A 49ers player, IV’d to a truth serum, just to hear him say, “Yeah, we are so going 5-11 this season. What I would give to have another year of college eligibility to join Jimmy Harbs at Michigan.”
▪ 2. Raiders quarterback Derek Carr, second in line to the truth serum, just to hear him say, “You give me this supporting cast, and want me to make chicken marsala out of hot dog bits? What’s wrong with you, Reggie McKenzie, don’t you like yourself?”
▪ 3. Fresno State football coach Tim DeRuyter, pounding his chest and saying, “I name (fill in blank with a proper noun) as my starting quarterback, until bowl-loss do we part.” That would be a career first, if only because he didn’t name Derek Carr a starter; he inherited him. Remember, when you have three quarterbacks, it’s because you have no quarterbacks, so pick a name out of your sun visor and ride him to the 7-6 finish.
Come on Tom Brady, let’s hear you channel your inner Col. Nathan R. Jessup
▪ 4. Giants chief Bruce Bochy, when asked to name his postseason rotation, answering with what we all know he wants to say: “Madison Bumgarner. With Madison Bumgarner available for long relief. And closing, too. He’ll also bat cleanup to protect Buster”
▪ 5. An MMA men’s champion, any champion, to harvest enough guts to say what they’re all too chicken marsala to say: “Ronda Rousey, I challenge you to a fight.” Better them than me. I prefer to die with dignity, and with my thorax intact, thank you very much.
▪ 6. Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw, after whipping together his 129th straight shutout, admitting, “No comment until I do this in October.” Because, he knows none of this matters until this actually matters.
▪ 7. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, cracking under the news-conference pressure. “You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be guarded by deflators with needles. Who’s gonna do it? You, Roger Goodell? You, Adam Schefter? You weep for the Colts and you curse the Patriots. You have that luxury …”
▪ 8. Because, you’re doggone right he ordered that code red.
▪ 9. Tiger Woods, even after shooting a 74 when no one was watching, asking, “At what age do I qualify for the Senior PGA? Because I’m done.”
Sure, some bus rides await, but this Fresno heat stuff’s nothing compared to hot and humid Houston
▪ 10. Demoted Houston Astros slugger Jon Singleton, upon his reassignment to the Fresno Grizzlies: “Man, it feels good to be back in this dry heat. That Texas humidity was brutal!”
▪ 11. You, the reader, turning the page and grumbling, “Thanks, White, that is 5 minutes of my life I can never get back.”
- 1. Fresno State football is back, and what we would give to see these Bulldogs take on the defensive personality of their fearless leader Tim DeRuyter like they did in Year 1. The Mountain West Conference is as bleh as ever, so this would be a good time to seize the moment before Boise State becomes Boise State again.
- 2. The Giants won 13 of 15 going into Friday, which is another way of saying they are due for another eight-game freefall. But when they’re up they’re up, which is to say we still like their chances in the postseason.
- 3. To say MMA fighter Ronda Rousey fights like a man is to sell her short. We’ve always been too cheap to pay for a UFC fight, but Rousey almost makes us want to change that policy.