“Your in idiot.” – Scott in Mill Valley.
“Stupid.” – Too Courageous to Leave a Legal Name.
“Your the most hated dude on the Bark Board.” – Larry in Clovis.
My email response, other than what’s a bark board?
“Ain’t that the truth.”
See how easy that was?
Get served a grammar-resistant insult, swallow the desire to type back “you’re,” and tell them to have a nice life while refusing to let them affect yours.
Oakland Raiders martial artist Derek Carr, if you’re reading … well, why are you still reading this stuff? Don’t you have weeds to pull or children to make find the remote for you? Are you looking for an atta-boy after a 4-12 tour of duty?
Do you think your brother David sits there at night pouring over the Houston Chronicle archives and writes angry emails to the editor? We covered him during the inglorious finish with Mike Singletary in San Francisco, and not once did he challenge Ray Ratto to meet him in an alley after school.
Did you really have to go on Twitter, the Land of Civility’s End, and challenge a couple media flamethrowers to a fistfight? Because they questioned your want to and can do?
Sticks and stones, brother. Just because you’re an Oakland Raider doesn’t mean you have to act like an Oakland Raider.
We’re both born-again Christians here (shocking on my end, no doubt). We’re called to fight the good fight.
This isn’t a good fight. Good fights don’t happen in the Octagon. They don’t go down on social media in front of 414,000 followers.
You know this now. Working on the Fruit of the Spirit, as you tweeted, is a great new hobby, because putting up your dukes against paid opinions is going to drive you nuts.
You called them clowns? The rest of my peers, from here to Pro Football Talk, are going to clown you back by mob. Quarterbacks with 10 wins in two years lose their “Oh yeah?” privileges, because they just do.
You publicly asked UFC Overlord Dana White how to get said clowns in a cage fight? People bring up the “Follower of Christ” chunk of your Twitter handle, and throw all of us in with the blood-mad Crusaders.
Google the name Dana White. I just did, three days after the fact. Guess the first thing that popped up?
“Derek Carr Asks UFC’s Dana White for Fight with Stephen A. Smith and Max Kellerman.” – Bleacher Report.
You can’t let them draw you into this troll factory. You’re up to your cheek bones in there and will never have the boots for this.
“You call yourself a pastor?” – Nameless in Boise.
Yeah, I get body slammed, too. Step into the public square, and all the world will square up against you when they don’t like what they see.
We’re not down on you. You’re a Friend of the Program. We want you to learn from this, because you’re going to play more football and lose more games and get more bacteria-laced venom in your Direct Message box.
I so want to respond like you did, and tell people their clown shoes are untied, or that a traveling circus in Serbia misses them. But then I’d be like them, and who wants a life of squirting water from a tie?
When Warren Sapp spit his chew at my shoes, or when Al Davis cussed my name in front of a locker room, or when Randy Moss Randy Moss’d me after a game … there was no recourse, and there was no comeback.
That’s how the game works. You can never win, but you’ll never lose if you refuse to play.
Let Stephen A. be Stephen A. Stick to being Derek Carr, because we like that guy way better, anyways.
1. Speaking of insults, no one can top former San Francisco Chronicle columnist Ray Ratto, who’s looking for a job if you’re hiring. His first words to me, on my first day of work at the Chronicle? “Welcome to Satan’s colon.”
2. Love how everyone is crowning Rams coach Sean McVay, and to be sure, his team was our preseason pick to win it all. The kid is doing a great job, but shouldn’t we wait until he wins, I don’t know, at least one Lombardi Trophy before feting him with Greatness?
3. Did you catch that amazing free-agent signing the San Francisco Giants made to get them back on top? Yeah, me neither. Eighteen more days until catchers and pitchers report for nothing in particular.