Missed the NFL draft this weekend, did you?
Congrats on having a life, which means you’re no longer a single male living on Chinese takeout in Mom’s basement.
Allow me, then, to catch up on all the future training camp cuts that your favorite team just picked out of a clown hat. We’ve consulted draft experts, team sources and our bail bondsman with the Raiders tattoo up his neck, and have answered all the deep burning questions that no one bothered to ask.
Q: Should Firebaugh’s Josh Allen worry that he wasn’t taken No. 1 overall after so many projected that he’d be first across the stage Thursday night? Is this part of the greater liberal conspiracy against the water rights of west-side farmers?
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A: No – who wants to play for the Cleveland High Browns?
Q: Just answer the stupid question.
A: Being the No. 1 player taken in the draft typically means you are considered the best player in the draft. That has nothing to do with going on to be the best player drafted.
To become the latter, you need to go to a team that isn’t going to turn you into the next Tim Couch. That’s what the Browns do. Same goes for the Jets, who are going to turn No. 3 overall pick Sam Darnold into the next Mark Sanchez.
If you are a quarterback, you want to go to a team that’s going to give you a chance to succeed. Think Ben Roethlisberger to the Steelers, or Derek Carr to the Raiders.
Just ask David Carr where No. 1 gets you. He was just as good as his brother Derek, but never had a fighting chance with the expansion Texans.
Buffalo is a great landing spot for Allen. The kid is going to do great.
Q: What did the Raiders do to make Carr better with this draft?
Carr now has a lid-lifting playmaker in Bryant and a possession gladiator in Nelson. If Bryant gets out of line – and he’s been a pill off the field – Carr can just call down brimstone from heaven to straighten all that out.
Q: Thoughts on the 49ers taking a left tackle with the No. 9 pick?
A: They so wanted Georgia linebacker Roquan Smith, because somebody’s got to help them forget about the total lack of Patrick Willis and NaVorro Bowman breaking knuckles over the middle.
Smith went eight to the Chicago Bears. The 49ers should send them flowers and a card. They just broke the galactic bank paying quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo to a 109-year contract. They are now too broke to afford anything bad happening in regard to Garoppolo’s sternum.
Protecting his blind side is paramount. Old Man Joe Staley is ready to take the next golden parachute out of the building. Notre Dame left tackle Mike McGlinchey will be the next Joe Staley, minus the creaking knees.
Q: What’s up with the Patriots making more trades (six) than player selections (three) in the first half of the draft?
A: No one trades down like Bill Belichick, who acquires draft picks the way hoarders collect hoard.
Who needs No. 1 picks when you found Tom Brady on the sixth-round shelf? We just wish he would have taken a Fresno State Bulldog, just for old time’s sake.
Q: Any surprises in the draft?
A: We’ll take the Mountain West Conference having more first-round picks than the ACC for $100. May Bulldogs coach Jeff Tedford continue that trend because this total lack of Fresno State draft picks leaves us nothing to do here in Mom’s basement.