Give us the Philadelphia Eagles by half a hundred. Give us the Eagles by a sliver. We’ll take U.S. Bank Stadium in Minnesota getting foreclosed on overnight, one of those Realtor key lock boxes on the door.
Anything but another Patriots victory in the Super Bowl. And, by anything, global death by meteor is still on the table.
Give us Eagles linebacker Mychal Kendricks, using his Hoover High diploma to swat the football out of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s hand for a game-ending fumble.
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Only this time, let’s not have the referee pull out the newest archaic version of the Tuck Rule to give the Patriots a do-over.
Give us Eagles quarterback Nick Foles, a career support staffer, throwing touchdown spirals with the accuracy of an Eagles fan throwing frozen D batteries at Santa Claus from the top deck of The Vet.
Anything but Brady, just to make it interesting, amputating his arm up to the elbow with a dull butter knife for the competitive kicks and giggles.
If Foles doesn’t work, give us Eagles starter Carson Wentz and his shredded wheat of a knee, pulling a Kirk Gibson off the bench with a walkoff score. Only without the Dodgers uniform. Deal’s off if he has to be a Dodger.
Anything but Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski going from concussion protocol to putting flea-sized cornerbacks into the smelling-salt routine with his ferocious football spike.
Give us Randall Cunningham out of retirement, or Ron Jaworski out of the TV booth, if neither “April” Foles nor “Peg Leg” Wentz can keep up. Better yet, let Foles have the game of his life, then at the interview podium, pull off his Mission Impossible mask and reveal – aha! – it’s Brett Favre!
Anything but Patriots coach Bill Belichick standing at the interview podium, refusing to discuss his 109th Lombardi Trophy because “we’ve moved on to the University of Manitoba Pro Day, since we’re already here in Canada.”
Give us Belichick late to the game because he can’t find his favorite hoodie, or Patriots center David Andrews getting suspended for a late-night run to the border to party with the Canadians, or the Patriots team bus ending up in Fargo because it’s a real bear to see in a blizzard.
We’re just so tired of this.
The Patriots win with deflated footballs, they win with state-of-the-art spyware, they win with Tuck Rules, they win with a quarterback whose throwing hand has more stitches than the football he throws.
Don’t be intellectually lazy and call us jealous. I don’t have a favorite NFL team. Line up my son’s Little League crew out on the field, and then we can talk about a rooting interest.
Another Patriots parade? Just the idea makes me lose interest in watching the game. It’s like having to put up with the New York Yankees of the double oughts, or the Chicago Bulls of the ’90s, or the UCLA men’s basketball team in the ’70s.
So, we’re going to pretend we think the Eagles have a fighting chance. Their backup quarterback is going to outplay the best quarterback of his generation. Their defense is going to make Brady look and feel the way the rest of 40-somethings have to feel. Their coach will spin mental circles around Old Man Belichick.
And then, when the Patriots will have won the day again, we’ll look back at that last paragraph and all have a good laugh.
David White: firstname.lastname@example.org
1. If the Fresno State men’s basketball team is going to make its late-season push into meaningfulness – and they always wait until late season to make their push – this would be a great time to start. Lose at home to Utah State? The reason we’re not watching is because we’ve been watching. Let’s get a move on, because catchers and pitchers report next week.
2. Last year, my church had a Super Bowl viewing party in the old fellowship hall. This year? Canceled. A bulk of our congregation of everyday Americans have lost all interest in the NFL. When church folk are declining a free potluck, you better believe the NFL has a decline problem.
3. The Patriots by 4. Because, of course they will.