Good morning! It’s Monday, Aug. 29, 2016, and I’m here with your helping of the Morning Scoop. (Subscribe here to keep receiving the Scoop in your inbox every weekday because I need more friends.)
What You Need to Know
- Loud noises and a dude in a Zorro costume caused a major freakout at LAX last night.
- Police are looking for a guy who robbed a Hungry Howie’s Pizza in Fresno and I literally forgot Hungry Howie’s existed until just this minute.
- Colin Kaepernick’s teammates are starting to come around after he explained his protest to them.
- There are probably a few reasons you shouldn’t get high and drive on your rims. This is just one of them.
- EpiPens are necessary and far too expensive.
- Two men found out they were switched at birth but neither was sent to live with royalty, so this story has a potential movie factor of just 2/10.
What You Want to Know
- Gwen Stefani was good at her job Saturday night.
- Whenever you see the words “slay,” “queen,” “fire” and “lit” in your timeline, it’s a safe bet Beyoncé is out there doing stuff.
- Some scientists pretended to live on Mars for a year but they’re done now and wondering if people are still talking nonstop about putting Sriracha on everything.
- (puts on monocle) Frankly, I think American TV shows have far too many episodes in a season anyway.
What You Wish You Didn’t Know
- When a guy stockpiling food and weapons in preparation for the end of the world says, “I’m not paranoid” and you’re like, “LOL okay.”
- And finally, the war on Christmas is real. Happy Monday, people.