Hi there. It’s Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2016, and I’m here with your helping of the Morning Scoop. (Subscribe here to receive the Scoop in your inbox every day or you’ll make my dog sad.)
What You Need to Know
• In a truly sad story, a local school principal was found dead in his car after being reported suicidal.
• Dozens of people have died after a super strong earthquake hit central Italy.
• California came so close to defeating Daylight Savings once and for all, but alas.
• Reminder: If you have to start numbering your Tweets, you might want to find a better way to express your thoughts.
• Reminder #2: If your blood alcohol level is three times the legal limit, just lie down wherever you are and take a nap.
What You Want to Know
• Great news for people who like to sleep in a roomful of strangers: reclining chairs and wine are coming to local movie theaters.
• A dog has been elected to his third term as mayor and I suggest we just go ahead and promote him to president.
• Imagine what would happen if Derek Carr, a football player, threw a football to Usain Bolt, a non-football player. Probably not much.
• IT’S GREEK FEST, YOU GUYS. Go get your baklava on with Kopi.
What You Wish You Didn’t Know
• Twerking is what finally killed the Mother Road.
• And there’s a guy running for U.S. Senate who drinks fresh goat blood, so electing only dogs to political office seems like our best option at this point. Have a great day, everyone.
Heather McLane: email@example.com, @heather_mclane