Buongiorno. It’s Thursday, Sept. 15, 2016, and I’m here with your helping of the Morning Scoop. (Subscribe here to get the Scoop in your inbox because someone has to pay for my nachos habit.)
What You Need to Know
• Hillary Clinton is recovered from pneumonia and will resume hitting the campaign trail with healthy levels of cholesterol, if you must know.
▪ The IRS is packing up and leaving town.
• There was a big crash near the Taco Bell at McKinley and Blackstone yesterday. Have you had the $5 Cravings Deal yet? Highly recommend.
• Fresno police want your help finding a chainsaw bandit. He didn’t use the chainsaws to commit the robbery – just a knife – so that’s … something.
• Dairy farmers aren’t into almond milk and truth be told, neither am I. It just makes the cereal taste weird.
• After 30 years, KVPR Valley Public Radio is all, “Laterzzz, Fresno.”
What You Want to Know
• Full Circle Brewery is back, baby. This is important if you like beer.
• Audra McDonald will soon add another award to her probably crowded mantel.
• Bored? Here, do something.
What You Wish You Didn’t Know
• Weighing in on women’s appearances is still America’s favorite pastime.
• A guy in Indiana who didn’t get a teaching job took it really well, if you consider mailing dead animals to the successful candidate “really well.”
• And finally, 14 pythons are on the loose in a subdivision in Georgia, which seems like a lot. Too many.
Great Thursday to you all, fellow humans. You too, pythons.