DEAR AMY: After years of my paying all of our household expenses, buying my husband two cars, paying for vacations (sometimes with his children from his first marriage) and literally everything else, last year my husband announced that he had been having an affair.
Once he wanted a very expensive luxury car and when I refused to buy it, he didn’t speak to me for over a week. Near the end, I tore a ligament in my right foot. When I called him for help, he asked why I couldn’t drive with my left foot!
I know I am better off without him, but I am so depressed I can barely function. Friends want me to date, but I’m in my late 50s and not interested. I sit at home and read or watch TV and cry a lot. I make plans with friends for lunches and movies, but I still go home and have to deal with the misery.
Why am I so depressed over losing a louse? Why can’t I move on?
Sign Up and Save
Get six months of free digital access to The Fresno Bee
DEAR DISTRESSED: Maybe you’re depressed not because you’ve lost a louse, but because you were married to a louse.
You gave years of your life (and considerable funds) to a partner who betrayed and abandoned you.
What I’m getting at is this: You have every right to be depressed. The dissolution of a marriage is one of the most disorienting experiences a person can have. It leaves you reeling.
Your depression may be situational, versus clinical, but you should still get professional help to sort it out. Please see your doctor for a full checkup, but – rather than reaching for medication – start with a therapist who can coach you toward recovery.
Let your friends embrace you – but don’t let them force you into dating. You are in the best position to know what you need right now.
DEAR AMY: My wife and I live a mile away from a beautiful urban cemetery. I’m a runner, and have run a route through this cemetery hundreds of times over the past decade.
I’ve gotten attached to the place and have decided that when my time comes, I would like to be buried there with a tombstone.
In addition to not spending much time in the cemetery, my spouse has a “leave no trace” philosophy when it comes to burials and prefers to be cremated.
The problem is that this cemetery is over 85 percent full. I am contemplating purchasing a burial plot now in hopes that I can get one near my running route.
Somehow this feels amiss because I would not be doing it in conjunction with my spouse of many years. I feel sad that our final resting places won’t be together. Do you have any advice?
DEAR RUNNING: Your choice and your wife’s are not mutually exclusive. Would she be willing to have her cremains buried or scattered on this spot – and her name inscribed along with yours on your memorial stone?
I give you credit for facing this. Now that you are actually shopping for burial plots it is definitely time for you to have this challenging conversation.
DEAR AMY: I can relate to “Jealous in Jersey,” whose jealousy was triggered by her cousin’s Facebook posts.
A few years back I was finding myself feeling angry, critical, dissatisfied and extremely inadequate because of what I was seeing on Facebook. Seeing the endless selfies, drama and bragging were pushing me into a very dark place.
Then I received a blessing in disguise – jury duty. I was seated on the jury of a high-profile case.
I deactivated my Facebook account for my own peace of mind and to remain as anonymous as possible while the trial was going on.
As the weeks wore on I noticed that I began feeling happier and more peaceful. I didn’t miss knowing that so-and-so had a new car or that her bestie had new highlights and layers in her hair. Little by little, not only did I not miss the connection, I was thankful not to have it.
DEAR FREE: You have expressed this perfectly. Thank you.
Write Amy Dickinson at email@example.com.