Dear Amy: I am wondering if you have some advice for me regarding a co-worker and my upcoming wedding. She and I worked together for a year and now work in the same place but in different grade levels. There was a time last year when this co-worker’s spouse berated me via email and phone call when the co-worker’s child received points off on an assignment (we work in a school).
Other situations here and there occurred over the year, but we ended the year civilly. The co-worker and I have an OK relationship at work.
Later on this year I will be getting married. The news spread fast and the co-worker has made hints about being at the wedding. It also came up that the co-worker had unfriended me on a social media site and then “refriended” me after finding out that I was inviting some of my other co-workers. I know that seems kind of silly but it still bothered me.
My fiance stated that it’s no big deal if we invite this person. He says let’s just celebrate our big day. The spouse would be included on the invitation, which makes me kind of cringe. I don’t know what to do.
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I don’t want to upset the co-worker and strain the relationship. It’s also hard because other team members will be in attendance. Should I include this co-worker? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
Dear Torn: First of all, there are no “rules” for whom you must invite to your wedding. The idea is that this incredibly special day should be reserved only for those nearest and dearest.
However — and this is a big however — weddings don’t always work that way. You end up being pressured into inviting your dad’s bowling buddies or your Aunt Sue’s second husband’s youngest daughter’s boyfriend.
If you think NOT including this co-worker would cause personal problems, work problems, tension or guilt for you after the fact, and if you can afford to host her and her spouse — in the name of “rising above it,” you should invite them. However, if you visualize yourself at your wedding and the thought of seeing her and her spouse there gives you hives, definitely do not. If it were me, I would not invite her — and prepare myself for some blowback.
This sort of scenario is made much worse by Facebook. Be judicious and discreet in your postings.
Dear Amy: I pointedly did NOT invite a co-worker to my wedding, but she showed up anyway. She came as a guest of another co-worker she conned into taking her. Since the invitations were mailed to the invitees and “guest,” she persuaded the co-worker to take her along. She showed up and flaunted the fact that she was able to thwart our attempts not to invite her, drank too much and was out of control. The co-worker who brought her was asked to take her home, but outside of a police escort, this was not going to happen. Needless to say, I found another job and quit.
My message is don’t invite any co-workers, unless they are part of the wedding. Oh, and hire a bouncer.
—Still Have Flashbacks
Dear Flashbacks: I hope the marriage is more peaceful than your wedding.
Dear Amy: I have to take issue with your response to “Confused,” the letter writer who received a thank-you note for the wrong wedding gift and felt compelled to correct the error.
In my opinion, this reeks of materialism and unnecessary self-aggrandizement. Why embarrass a new bride over such pettiness?
The fact that a nice thank-you note was sent should have been sufficient, both in terms of etiquette and satisfaction that the attendee’s gift was received and appreciated.
—Thank-you Note is Enough
Dear Enough: I agree that the marrying couple has done (almost) everything right. But the reason to discreetly correct someone is because not only one note was incorrect — at least two “thank yous” (and possibly more) went to the wrong recipients. After this simple “heads-up,” no other action is necessary — the couple should not be expected to write and send another note.