D ear Amy: Periodically you run letters from adopted people searching for their birth families.
I want to speak as a birth mother. When a baby is surrendered to adoption there has been a heartbreaking amount of consideration and soul-searching. The family didn’t want this baby. The mother didn’t want this baby.
In the bad old days, adoption agencies told us that if we made this sacrifice and gave the baby up, we would never be asked to give anything else.
We rebuilt our lives, married and had families that our families could be proud of.
When we are asked (by the adoption agencies and the children we gave up) to upend our lives once again, we should be allowed to say no. We are so very sorry, but, no. I gave you all I had; I have no more to give you.
My life is not an “After School Special” or a heartwarming happily ending movie.
Now I am going to say the thing that no one ever wants to say, or hear: Please, leave us alone. You had a wonderful life and great parents. Please be grateful for the gifts they gave you, and that we gave you to them. Stop looking for something that you already have.
— The Other Mother
Dear Mother: I appreciate your courage in describing your tough truth.
However, adult adoptees have human rights too. They did not ask to be born, to be surrendered — or adopted, for that matter. Some landed in wonderful “After School Special” families and some did not.
They have a right to search for their biological families and you have a right to reject this effort. But neither side of this challenging story has the right to expect that this will be easy.
Dear Amy: There is a particular truck driver who delivers to our place of business. He has always been flirty to all the girls, especially with me, even though he has a girlfriend.
He said he would help me find a job as a driver, so he took me out with him on the truck so I could see if I would like it. He said he’d speak with his girlfriend to see if he could give me a refresher course. (I would pay him for this.)
Just before the course started, he told his girlfriend that I just broke up with my loser boyfriend. After that he said he would only help me professionally and that the only woman he is interested in is his girlfriend.
I know I read more into his flirting than I should have, but when someone is that friendly, you don’t know what to think.
Doesn’t he know I broke up with my boyfriend because of him? What should I do now — should I keep chasing him, in the hopes that he will leave her for me?
Dear Undelivered: Your delivery man delivers flirting, along with packages. You follow up by saying you want to become a driver. He takes you out on the truck (no doubt in violation of every license regulation, company policy and insurance statute).
You promptly break up with your loser boyfriend. You don’t actually want to drive a truck; you want to take this particular driver for a spin.
By now I hope you realize that your delivery guy probably has flirty relationships all along his route. You should definitely stop chasing him — after all, he is a professional driver; I have a feeling he can outmaneuver you.
Dear Amy: You told “Upset Son” to have his father’s new wife pick a name to be called by his kids other than “Grandma.” I think you should have told the son to get some help in dealing with his emotions of losing his mom. He needs to tell his kids what a great mom he had. But we are in the land of the living. Be grateful for your dad’s new wife/grandma and make some wonderful memories with her.
— Also Grandma
Dear Grandma: “Upset Son” was grateful to his father’s wife, but I agree that he should get help to cope with his loss.