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Is the friend of an enemy still her friend?

Is the friend of an enemy still her friend?Dear Amy: My question has to do with allegiance.

A woman I know mistreated me by gossiping about me and manipulating me.

For example, when we were getting along better, I invited her to a party I was hosting. She then brought three extra people without asking, saying that she couldn’t help it because they had dropped by her house as she was leaving!

I didn’t believe her excuse for a minute. I lost all trust and respect for her. Now I have nothing to do with this person.

But what do you think about a good friend of mine who knows very well how this woman has treated me but continues to be friends with her?

It hurts my feelings.

If someone mistreats one of my friends, I back off from that person and am loyal to my friend.Please let me know what you think about this.

— Betrayed in Missouri

Dear Betrayed: Your friends should always stand behind you and stand up for you — if your former friend back-stabs and gossips about you, your other friends should correct her and ask her to stop. If she doesn’t, they will have to decide on their own how to proceed with the relationship.

Allegiance is important, but you can’t dictate whom your friends choose to stay friends with. In my view, this person’s treatment of you doesn’t quite rise to the level of a deal-breaker for her other friends, though I agree that it is quite obnoxious.

Your gossiping, manipulative former friend will most likely burn her other relationships in a similar way to the way she burned you.

Dear Amy: I have a question about wedding showers.

Is it appropriate to invite someone to a wedding shower and not invite them to a wedding?It seems this is happening more and more.

I know that sometimes weddings are small and for immediate family only. That is just fine.If the couple were to marry at a location far away and they want to have some celebrations with local friends and family, I can understand that choice too.

But this has not been the case for me on a couple of occasions when the wedding took place locally and I was invited to the shower but not the wedding — but other friends were.

My personal feeling about being invited to a shower and not included in a wedding is that I am important enough to receive a gift from but not important enough to attend their wedding.

— Georgia Peach

Dear Peach: Some marrying couples (and their families) seem to see marriage as an opportunity to soak the larger community for gifts.

I agree with you that there are exceptions — for instance, when a couple marries quickly and quietly or in a remote location (some military families do this because of deployments).

People planning their weddings have lots of choices to make. If they choose to have a small wedding, then they should accept that their auxiliary celebrations will also be small.

If friends not included in the wedding celebration wish to host a shower or housewarming party for the couple, it’s a generous gesture, but families should not plan large wedding showers populated by people who aren’t then welcome to witness the marriage.

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