Dear Amy: I am a shy single guy in my mid-20s. Like many people my age, I am on a major online dating site where I have communicated with some wonderful people.
I have been talking recently with one woman who is about my age. We seemed to hit it off, messaging each day for a couple of weeks about our interests, dreams, families, etc.
I finally asked if she would like to meet up on a specific date. She responded that she would be away during that time, but she would love to meet up after she returned. She said, “I promise this is not just an excuse!”
However, I now see that her profile on the site has either been deactivated or deleted.
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Am I being “ghosted?”
I interpreted her statement that she would love to meet after a specific date an indication that she was still interested, but did I misread the signals? This is my first experience with this, so I do not know how to interpret the behavior. Should I wait until the specific date passes in order to see if she just deactivated temporarily due to traveling?
Should I just accept this as a cost of dating in this era (that some people will ghost) and move on?
I have knowledge of one of her social media accounts where I can contact her.
Should I contact her through that medium, or just let sleeping dogs lie? I really thought that we clicked, but I don’t want to go into the “stalker” territory and not see a “no” if it is there. What do you think?
Dear Wondering: Yes, I think you are being “ghosted.” Ghosting, for those people fortunate enough not to have experienced it, is a very sudden and unexplained withdrawal from contact, although ghosting usually refers to an actual relationship, not a possible relationship.
Another modern concept, “bread-crumbing” is the despicable practice of basically messing with someone by throwing down little bread crumbs of (digital) interest, without ever consummating an actual “meet.”
Just as modern life makes it easy to connect, it is also easier to disconnect, with few consequences.
You should not spend time waiting for a specific date to arrive to see if this woman resurfaces. You should re-enter the dating site and carry on, attempting to meet people. You don’t seem to be doing anything “wrong,” and so you should continue being your best self, on and off this site.
Dear Amy: My stepdaughter died last week from cancer. Her husband invited his family and friends to the funeral. I knew I’d be seeing my husband’s ex there. I left the room when they said goodbye to their daughter; I wanted to give them their space.
In a few months my stepdaughter’s husband wants to bring her cremains to our land to be buried under a small tree. He wants to invite all of his family (50 people, at least), and invite my husband’s ex, too. This, I do not want.
Do I have to let her come to our home? I am an introvert, so I am also freaking out about all of my husband’s family also coming here. I have been taking medication for anxiety already, due to my stepdaughter’s suffering and death. I feel I cannot handle that many people at my home! I know my husband will overrule me, so now I feel like my only option would be to just leave for the day and let them do their thing -- and I’ll do mine. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Dear Anxious: You are not “wrong” to feel this way, but I do believe that you should try to respect your husband’s choices regarding his daughter. You should work with your therapist to come up with strategies to deal with this, both beforehand and on the day. Please try to see your husband’s ex not as his former spouse, but as a grieving parent. This is a one-time occurrence, happening on one day, and then it will be over.
You being quietly supportive from the background -- and then quietly exiting on the day might be a good solution for everyone.
Dear Amy: I’m confused at your labeling “Still Shocked” as “modest and conservative” because she objected to “Rhonda” displaying her breasts at a public dinner table.
You don’t have to be modest or conservative to know what’s appropriate in a public setting with people you don’t even know.
Dear Reader: I hear you.
Email Amy at firstname.lastname@example.org.