Ask Amy: Not for kids – this adult situation is a mess

D ear Amy: My best friend came to my house last weekend after her breakup with her boyfriend. She brought a bottle of scotch.

My husband joined us and we kept drinking and things started to get cozy among the three of us. My husband had sex with my friend and me in succession. I encouraged this at the time.

The next morning, she left our house without saying a word. She texted me that she'll never see me again as long as I’m married to my husband. I feel totally terrible. I tried to talk about it and my husband said it was the best sex experience of his life. He shows no remorse. He even said he would like to do it again!

As I was also involved, there was no case of cheating, right? I honestly don’t remember much.

Did he cheat on me? Can I hold him responsible? It was my friend who bought the alcohol and I persuaded my husband to join the party.

– Upset

Dear Upset: The way I read this is that your friend now refuses to be around your husband — or you as long as you are with him. It seems possible (likely, really) that she didn’t find this sexual experience consensual. People who are drunk cannot give legal consent. She had just been through a breakup and was emotionally vulnerable — and inebriated.

This was a horrible idea all around. I don’t know how you can accuse your husband of “cheating” when you were present, encouraged this and (according to you) invited him to participate. Do not blame your friend for bringing the bottle.

Your husband might feel this was an awesome experience, but if he coerced (or forced) your friend (and/or you) to have sex with him while you were blackout drunk, then he is worse than a cheater — he is a rapist. Things to worry about are: Possible pregnancies, and the police knocking on the door. Your friendship with this other woman is damaged — perhaps beyond repair.

Dear Amy: Your response to “Overwhelmed,” the 21-year-old whose parents are hoarders, was on point. As the daughter of a lifelong hoarder, I could write a book about the attempts my sister and I made to help our mother try to get control of the mess.

Only after her death did we fully realize the extremes of her hoarding. Your response that she “cannot save them from themselves” is right on point. Thank you for your direct and sage advice.

– Anne, from Front Royal, VA

Dear Anne: Hoarding creates heartbreaking challenges for family members.