Well, look who’s back from a two-week family vacation, ruining all hope at the state college on Cedar and Shaw avenues that the absence was pink-slip related.
Let’s go to the local inbox and see what fan mail and constructive criticism awaits us:
Q: Sweet mother of Steve Carlton, why did you take your sons to a Phillies game?
A: As a pre-emptive strike to every bacteria-brained stunt they pull on me as teenagers. As a bonus, I figured a night spent at a Philadelphia ballgame would teach the boys to hate Santa Claus. The Christmas savings will be staggering.
Q: Did you keep up with the Giants while you were away?
A: Had no idea they’d come back from the All-Star break yet.
Q: Still wish the Giants signed Tim Lincecum?
A: In a word, heck yeah. Why sport an 8.49 ERA for the Angels when his death-by-ball-four would fit in so swimmingly in the Giants rotation?
Q: Plan on catching a Fresno Grizzlies game any time soon?
A: Yeah, when I’m in the mood for heat stroke. Have you been outside this week? When they have a canteen giveaway, sign us up.
Q: Did anyone back East ask you about the Fresno State football team?
A: No, because no. However, a Tennessee Vols fan in Nashville remembered Fresno State as the college home of Lane Kiffin. That pretty much ended the elevator conversation, evil glare notwithstanding.
Q: Do you like Fresno State’s chances this football season?
A: We like their chances to win four games, but only because vacation has left us in a good mood. Did you see the total lack of Bulldogs on the Mountain West’s preseason all-conference team or their predicted fourth-place finish in the West Division? They’ve been downgraded to meaningless even in the most meaningless of polls. Don’t blame the players. This starched shirt belongs to whomever recruited them in the first place.
Q: Do you see Tim DeRuyter making it through the season gainfully employed?
A: Not if Bulldog Stadium stays half empty. Are we the only ones getting our email flooded with football ticket spam, which is another way of saying Fresno State can’t give their tickets away? May as well hawk the stadium naming rights to Costco, because they’re awesome at moving bulk.
Q: Tell us your thoughts on the 49ers headed into training camp.
A: Is there a question in that question?
Q: Will they win more than four games?
A: Absolutely. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick will get good again, and the defense is going to get bad again, but in a good way. They won’t go to the playoffs, but Chip Kelly will win eight games with Jim Tomsula’s roster, much like Jim Harbaugh won quick with Mike Singletary’s two-deep.
Q: Sounds like you’ve been outside this week.
A: Did I mention the Raiders will win the AFC West?
Q: Think Harbaugh is going to win the national title at Michigan?
A: We sure hope so. Because, Jed York, that’s why.
1. The Dodgers are 17-9 since Clayton Kershaw’s back turned on him. Only team we know that could be held back by the greatest pitcher in baseball.
2. The Raiders gave general manager Reggie McKenzie a four-year extension. Please tell us Derek Carr and Khalil Mack are getting kickbacks on his deal, because they’re the only reasons he isn’t drawing a state unemployment check right now.
3. Texas A&M suspended two football assistants for using crude humor and sexist comments at the program’s “Chalk Talk for Women.” Really starting to wonder where Aggies alum Johnny Manziel picked up his wild behavior …