Welcome to 2015, which is another way of saying 111/2 months and counting before Fresno State football loses another bowl game.
But enough with finding the dark cloud in every single lining. Here is one sports columnist’s wish list for the New Year.
(Be sure to clip and save all these predictions, so that we can pull it out in 2016, look back and all have a good laugh.)
Fresno State football: Bulldogs coach Tim DeRuyter hits the recruiting trail, and discovers the Carr family has a long-forgotten son, Dilbert, who they lost at a family Disneyland trip when he was young.
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Sadly, Little Dilbert is a central Valley football player, so DeRuyter has no interest until … he moves to Texas, signs with Fresno State and immediately becomes the starting quarterback. Day officially saved.
It’s either that, or hope David and Derek Carr’s boys grow up in a hurry.
Fresno State men’s basketball: The NCAA abandons the current scoring system, which currently puts way too much weight on things like, you know, points scored.
Instead, winners and losers are determined by the niceness of the head coach. Rodney Terry smiles the Bulldogs to the NCAA Tournament for the first time since Jerry Tarkanian’s team didn’t* beat Cal in Memphis.
(*Because, the NCAA says we’re not allowed to remember victories forfeited to NCAA violations).
San Francisco 49ers: The franchise does the unthinkable: General Manager Trent Baalke clears his voice and does a news conference in the soprano octave, CEO Jed York parts his hair hard to the left and the 49ers let a winning coach keep winning while they stay out of the way.
While they’re at it, make Colin Kaepernick a classic pocket quarterback and turn Aldon Smith into a solid role model and we can all fly pink unicorns to the game.
Oh, forget it. Just hire Rex Ryan, and that’ll appease our chuckle quota for the year.
Oakland Raiders: Keep interim coach Tony Sparano. Then remember why he was available as an assistant coach in the first place. Book conference room for bye-week firing next season. Dust off the Lane Kiffin overhead projector, just for good time’s sake.
Rinse, repeat. It’s the Raider Way.
Los Angeles Lakers: Move back to Minneapolis. Maybe then the Golden State Warriors will get the love and attention the winningest team in the NBA deserves.
Fresno State wrestling: Announce the program is officially back this month, but not just any press statement will do.
Remember former Athletic Director Thomas Boeh, the slick-haired brain behind wrestling’s elimination when he first rode into town? Time for Boeh to earn his keep as “adviser” to the school president, whatever that means (hint: it means he got fired, but they still owed him a bunch of money, so just where do you think you’re going, chief?).
Trot Boeh out to the wrestling party. Let him make the announcement. Wearing a wrestling singlet. He made this mess, time to clean it up. Hand the man his mop.
As for the rest of you: May your high school team trounce your rivals in football, your sports-playing children get neither concussions nor torn ligaments and your Giants win a fourth World Series this decade.
And, if the Giants aren’t your favorite baseball team, it’s only because you favor the wrong team.