It’s the season of Thanksgiving, and I know this because my Facebook feed is filled with a daily dose of “What I’m Thankful for.”
I can’t read another trite, mind-numbing post. I just can’t do it. I love these folks, but come on – you can love your spouse and pumpkin spice only so much. Three years ago, to counter an influx of positivity, I started a List of Ingratitude.
I was called “entertainingly grumpy” after posting one of my lists. I don’t think I’ve ever received a nicer compliment. It’s all in good fun with some serious mixed in.
So my 2016 List of Ingratitude is good to go. I’m ready to put this year in the books – too much turmoil, death and idiocy.
I’m not thankful for:
▪ The siege on cargo shorts. I’m a middle-aged man, and by God, I like cargo shorts. They’re comfortable and chafing is minimal. The pockets are a perfect size to hold an emergency supply of Cheetos.
▪ Any politician who attempts to limit a person’s right to vote.
▪ People who can, but don’t vote.
▪ Locker-room talk. I’ve been in locker rooms, and I have never heard someone brag about grabbing another person’s tingly bits.
▪ Receivers who run a 6-yard route on 3rd and 8.
▪ Jokes about rape, segregation and violence.
▪ Spending an evening crawling through leaves and dirt with a flashlight looking for a retainer that is barely 24 hours old. At least it wasn’t raining.
▪ Cheap tequila. Life’s way too short for that.
▪ A flatulent dog interrupting a deep sleep. At least my sinuses are clear and the paint didn’t peel from the wall.
▪ College football officiating.
▪ Bathroom stall talkers. I just want to play Yahtzee on my phone in peace.
▪ Another video recipe that ends with cheese being dumped on top of the dish. I love cheese so much that if someone says “cheese” while getting my picture taken, I say “where.” But enough is enough.
▪ Vaginal mesh lawsuit ads.
▪ My offspring reaching an age when they ask questions if I place their action figures and stuffed animals in compromising positions. An era has come to an end.
▪ Kids who still don’t know how to put toothpaste on a brush correctly. My God, it’s everywhere.
▪ People equating bullying with leadership.
▪ Losing so many smart, talented and funny people this year. The world is just not as interesting without Gene Wilder, Muhammad Ali, Pat Conroy, Prince and David Bowie.
▪ Any talk about a war on Christmas. It’s not real, unlike the war on cargo shorts.
I talk a big game, but there is still plenty I am thankful for in 2016.
▪ Healthy kids.
▪ Kids who still think I’m fun despite a daughter who calls me an “old hipster doofus.” The hipster comment stings.
▪ Always having peanut butter and red wine in the house.
▪ Dak Prescott’s emergence making the Cowboys fun to watch again.
▪ A “Star Wars” movie every year.
▪ A strong back on most days so I can work in the garden.
▪ A spouse who is the smartest person I know.
Ron Lubke is a writer in Tennessee. He wrote this for the Dallas Morning News.