Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. Recently, due to certain circumstances, we have been bickering and fighting over nonsense. She proposed the idea that we ”see other people.”
Amy, I made sure to ask if this meant sleeping with other people. She said no. She even jokingly said that if I was considering doing that that I should give her two months’ notice so she could begin wrapping her head around the idea.
Then she meets this guy at her new job. Within two weeks of knowing him, she sleeps with him.
Now I’m the sucker who is hurt and confused.
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I’m a woman, so now I feel as though I’m not good enough and can’t satisfy her.
I’m feeling insecure and I’m sure that it could happen again.
We love each other and she acknowledged that she hurt me.
She quit the job and promised to never speak to him again.
I feel as though I was cheated on. She said it was just lust.
I forgave her for my own sanity, but I’m in pain and can’t let it rest.
How do I forget this? How do I touch her again? Should I make the choice of going our separate ways, or should we work it out?
Torn in Two
Dear Torn: You and your girlfriend are in a crisis moment that has likely been building up for a long time.
You should not force yourself to simply forget this episode. Instead, you should dive in, try to decode it and work with your girlfriend to make a series of choices about your relationship.
You don’t mention what she wants to do from here on out, although the fact that she quit her job and has cut off contact with the guy tells you that she is eager to move forward. No doubt she would like you to get over this quickly, but she has crossed a couple of important emotional and sexual boundaries, and writing it off as ”lust” isn’t going to cut it. Surely her lust hasn’t gone away, so what’s next?
When a relationship hits a tough spot, it’s easy to declare yourselves ”on a break” and basically act out your worst instincts. It’s hard during these moments to double down, hold hands and plow into your challenges together.
I can’t tell you whether to stay together or break up, but if you want to continue this relationship, you should insist on professional relationship counseling. Find someone with experience dealing with same-sex couples.
Dear Amy: I know this is not a life-altering question, but I would appreciate any suggestions you have for me. I have an absolutely beautiful 9-year-old daughter who is quite tall and mature looking. While she is not overweight, she has a solid build.
She has outgrown the children’s sizes in the clothing stores, but I can’t find anything remotely appropriate for her to wear in the junior’s section. (In fact, I am pretty sure I won’t find this ”junior” clothing appropriate when she is a teenager. What are these designers thinking?)
I cannot be the only parent with this problem. Do you have any ideas of how I can appropriately clothe my daughter?
Dear Mom: My own daughter passed me in height when she was 9, and I well remember the awkward transition and dearth of choices for a girl who is as tall as a teenager but still a little kid.
I checked various store sites and also Pinterest for ideas for you, and suggest this basic look to start:
Leggings, an oversize T-shirt or blouse and a fun vest and/or denim jacket.
Fringe seems to be ”in” this year, and you might be able to find a fringe jacket your daughter likes.
Leggings (and ”jeggings”) are a lifesaver for tall girls. They give and grow with you, come in all kinds of great colors and patterns, layer well with tops and dresses and go with everything. Don’t leave your daughter out of this process; it is vital that she likes what she is wearing.
Dear Amy: The letter signed ”Napkin in Lap” was from a man who described his wife’s increasingly terrible table manners.
While I think your answer was fine, I also think it is important to point out that changes like this, especially when they are extreme, are sometimes a sign of brain illness, including dementia. This man’s wife should be seen by her doctor.
Dear Concerned: This is a definite possibility. Thank you.
Email Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org.