D ear Amy: I have been with a wonderful man for over four years and have a healthy relationship with him. Despite our happiness together, I am contemplating whether to leave him because of his family.
They are racist and rude. He is white and I’m Middle Eastern. They have made racist comments to me, called me foul names, and his mother even telephoned me to say she wishes and prays that her son breaks up with me.
He has tried talking to them but at this point it’s so awkward, he just wants me to get over it. They are paying for his living expenses while he is in school, so he feels he owes them, and they’re “the good guys” now.
I don’t know if I can forgive them after four years of torture. I try to be polite and say nothing, but secretly I want to scream and walk out.
Should I forgive and forget? I feel like I have to choose between a good guy with a horrible family or nothing at all.
Your guy has “tried talking to them” when he should have Shut. It. Down.
His loyalty is to his family first; you get whatever is left. This might be almost understandable or forgivable if not for the fact that he somehow expects you to get over something that is not resolved.
I suggest you answer his mother’s prayers and find someone who comes from a better family.
Turns out he is from the same country as my father. He thought I was from his country, too, before he figured out I am American. We began chatting and have Skyped about that and about our faith; as the months have gone on, I have become very fond of him. I’d like to take this to the next level; my parents dated long distance in an eerily similar way, and I believe I could handle that. But is it rational to fall for someone you’ve never met, based on common values and interests?
— Long-Distance Lover?
There is nothing irrational or inherently wrong in falling for someone this way – the heart-quickening rush when an email or text comes in is exciting and affirmative.
However, all of the usual caveats apply when dealing with an Internet relationship. Verify his identity through other sources. And if he asks for a loan or offers you an exciting deal on an interesting investment opportunity, run in the other direction.
— No Guilt Here