D ear Amy: I am a girl in high school. Recently I have started dating a boy, and I have deep feelings for him. We have been friends for a long time.
However, I have had many dreams involving girls. I am feeling attracted to girls as well as boys. I have felt this way since I was around 13. I still love my boyfriend, though.
So am I bisexual? I haven’t shared my feelings with anybody I know. A close friend of mine is bi, but I don’t want to talk to her about my situation until I am sure.
Please help. I’m feeling really confused.
Dear Unsure: First off, you are “normal.” What I mean is that anything you are -- hetero, gay, bi, or a heterosexual girl who loves a boy but dreams about girls -- is “normal” because when it comes to sexual orientation, there is simply no one way to be. Human sexuality and attraction occur along a very wide spectrum, and as you grow and mature, you will wrestle with them and make various choices based on what feels right for you.
Don’t wait until you are “sure” to talk about this; talking about it will help you to discover where your comfort lies. Just make sure you talk to someone who respects you and will respect your privacy.
My advice is for you to choose the most ethical path. If you are with your boyfriend, then be loyal to the relationship. If you decide to engage in relationships with girls, do so -- but after leaving the other relationship.
Always be true to yourself, even in times of confusion. Although the relationship you have with yourself is mutable, it should always be honest and authentic, because it is lifelong.
Dear Amy: My friend “Jack” recently got engaged to “Jill.” Jack and I have been friends literally since before we could walk.
Jill is 26, and this will be her third marriage. Both previous marriages ended with her having affairs. She also has a history of doing drugs and stealing. She has stolen from me, my family and Jack’s family. She has stolen medication, money, you name it.
Jack insists that she is “doing better,” that she has recovered from her mistakes and would never do things like that now. Jill has never apologized for her actions and blames everything she did on her previous husbands.
I worry for Jack but he brushes off my concerns. Jill has made it clear she won’t let me be around Jack unless I allow her to be present. Recently she has started mocking and insulting me.
Should I keep trying to express my worries that this will only end in tears for my friend, or should I back off, let him do as he wants and prepare to help him clean up the mess?
— Worried and Wounded
Dear Worried: I vote for Door No. 2. You have already expressed your concerns (and I assume others have also weighed in on this train wreck).
Friends tell one another the hard truths but are also available to staff the cleanup crew after things fall apart. I agree that “this will only end in tears,” but it seems that for now the tears will be yours. It is very hard to watch a friend walk into the fire, but “Jack” might need to get burned before he figures out that people don’t change when they don’t acknowledge their actions.
Dear Amy: The letter from “Weary Wife,” whose husband was a heavy cigar smoker, really hit home for me. Why does she need counseling to assist in finding a way out of a 39-year relationship that has been problematic? What is it about the wife that you condemn? She seems pretty reasonable to me.
— Very Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: I suggested counseling for her because she is the one who wrote to me. If the husband had written to me, my advice would have been oriented in his direction.