Ask Amy

August 1, 2014

Ask Amy: Partner wants to slumber with his pals

Dear Amy: My partner (whom I have been living with for two years) is a loving, wonderful man. We live in the country, about an hour outside of our home city.

Dear Amy: My partner (whom I have been living with for two years) is a loving, wonderful man. We live in the country, about an hour outside of our home city.

A few weeks ago, he asked if I would mind if he spent the night at a friend's place in the city after a night of board games and drinks. I do not want to be a "controlling wife," so I reluctantly told him it wasn't a big issue.

Well, this week we opened that conversation again, and it is a big issue to me.

I was raised with traditional values, and my partner and I attend church Sunday mornings. Not only does this sleepover seem unusual for a grown man, but he would be missing church.

I applaud him for making the responsible decision not to drive after drinking, but living out in the country was our choice. A part of that choice means sometimes accepting that an all-nighter with the pals in the big city may not be appropriate anymore.

— Confused in the Country

Dear Confused: There is no one way to have a happy partnership. Some couples find balance in taking fishing trips or theater weekends away from each other.

But I will say this: Anecdotally speaking, the happiest, strongest couples I've studied seem to want to sleep with their partners by their side, and would stay sober and drive through a blizzard to get home after a night playing "board games" with friends. They don't seem to need escape to have slumber parties with other adults.

Your job is not to control your partner. Reject the idea that you are "letting" him do something you don't want him to do. Say to him, "Honey, I'm not in charge of you. I find this plan a little strange and baffling. But you should do what you want to do."

I notice that despite your "traditional" upbringing, you are not married to your partner. This could be a crossroads for both of you. If you are truly miserable with the prospect of this, then, everything else aside, you might not be with the right person.

Dear Amy: I recently read a reply to "Mike," whose daughter is annoying him and he wants her to move out. The reply suggested that the daughter was depressed and needed support instead of confrontation. You said the "partying and staying out all night doesn't sound depressed to me."

Alcohol is a depressant — you might know this — and if she's doing a lot of that, she may be slipping into depression.

— Reader from the 'Burbs

Dear Reader: You're right.

 

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About Amy Dickinson

Amy Dickinson

@AskingAmy

Amy Dickinson is a syndicated columnist. Email: askamy@tribune.com.

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