I’m not wholly unconvinced Donald Trump’s presidential campaign isn’t some kind of Banksy-level performance art piece. Any day now, I half expect the whole thing to be revealed as an elaborately orchestrated prank, an indictment of the culture of celebrity that would warp even Andy Warhol’s mind, were he alive to see it.
Still, as political pundits and followers of pop-culture try to wrap their minds around the political process, The Donald has fairly secured his spot in the ring come November. All that’s left is to choose a running mate.
There are political machinations already in play. Names like Newt Gingrich and Ted Cruz have been bandied around as possibilities. But if Trump were seriously sticking with the theme of his campaign, indeed his life thus far, he would, right now, be negotiating a “Celebrity Apprentice”-style reality television show. The working title could be “Celebrity Running Mate.” The prospective candidates would compete to organize a series of town-hall forums and fundraisers and the like. Trump could use the fundraising help.
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Each week, The Donald would evaluate the work and send someone packing with a catchy one-liner.
It wouldn’t air on NBC, obviously.
I’ve already come up with a list of potential candidates that would be perfect for the show, if not quite the actual vice presidency:
Candidate: Ted Nugent, 67, classic rock guitar god
Why he’s perfect: Nugent isn’t shy about his political leanings. The “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” singer all but originated the kind of camouflage- and American-flag-wearing straight-talk nationalism that permeates Trump rallies. On merchandising potential alone, a Trump/Nugent ticket makes sense.
Candidate: Dave Mustaine, 54, Megadeth frontman/heavy metal icon
Why he’s perfect: Mustaine and Trump have a lot in common. For instance, the tendency to believe conspiracy theories (especially on President Obama) and a distrust of Muslims (listen to Megadeth’s single “The Threat is Real”). And both have said they would build a wall on the Mexican border if they were president.
As a bonus, “Peace Sells” would be so fitting as Trump rally song.
Candidate: Mark Cuban, 57, owner of the Dallas Mavericks and co-star of investment-based reality show “Shark Tank”
Candidate: Ivanka Trump, 34, businesswoman and former model
Why she’s perfect: She’s Trump’s daughter and has already played the supporting role.
Candidate: Kayne West, 39, the greatest living rock star on the planet
Why he’s perfect: West has already announced a run for presidency in 2020 and a VP bid would give him a good head start.
Also, West may be the only person capable of matching The Donald on semi-coherent rambling, outright braggadocio and ability to raise the ire of social media. The pair may not agree politically, but putting aside differences, they could be a powerful force in the spread of worldwide narcissism.