Indulge me in a bit of nostalgia here. When I was young and impressionable, in my first professional job as entertainment editor at the Anchorage Times, I wrote a story about the new movie “Heathers.” To spice things up, at the time I even conducted my own “Heathers Poll,” tracking down everyone with that name I could find and asking them pressing issues such as: “Have you ever tried to kill your best friend?” For old time’s sake, and to mark the Selma Arts Center production of “Heathers,” I have recreated that experience here in Fresno, right down to asking the “lunchtime poll question” from the movie.
And, finally a lunchtime poll question: If you inherit five million dollars the same day aliens tell the Earth they’re blowing us up in two days, what would you do?
“That is STILL the stupidest question I’ve ever heard.” (Heather Parish)
“Show the aliens footage from 2016’s election cycle to convince them if they really want to punish humans, they’ll just leave us to our own devices. Then I’d go buy cheese. All the cheese.” (Heather McLane)
“Spend it!” (Heather Fry Bishop)
“I would gather all of my friends and family and fly somewhere breath taking and gorgeous. I would treat them and whoever crossed our path to whatever they wanted.” (Heather Saenz)
“I would call my family and tell them how much I love them. Then go out into our natural world and be grateful for its incredible beauty and all the wonderful experiences I have had in it. Like Muir Said, “I have had a bully life.” (Heather Anderson)
“Spend time with friends and family.” (Heather Randall)
“If there’s no way I can somehow use the money to stop the aliens from blowing us up or otherwise save the world, I’d take all my family and friends somewhere beautiful.” (Heather Awbrey Glosier)
“Eat out for every meal and leave ridiculously large tips.” (Heather Hansen)
“I would fly my whole family to Scotland and we would live out our final days together on the hills covered in the heather being surrounded by the ones I love.” (Heather Tweedy-Sconce)
Super-scientific poll based on Facebook interviews Aug. 1-2 with nine Heathers. Results for the sample of Heathers have a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.5 percentage points. No Heathers were harmed in the taking of this poll.