I often wonder if my life would be better if I cut out all hypothetical thinking.
If that sentence didn’t illicit an audible “ha” or at least a slight smirk, reread it a few times, then catch up to the rest of the class.
I saw a rash of “would you rather?” posts around the Fourth of July. I am not sure why – maybe the clickbait websites were mired in a slow click cycle as social media addicts worked to flood Instagram with fireworks shots or the classic “picture taken behind the bikini babes standing arm-in-arm and flashing peace signs toward a large body of water” posts.
Whatever the reason, many of these posts consisted of hypothetical choices between two scenarios – usually involving celebrities or gross-outs. I think I played the verbal “would you rather” a few times in high school.
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But I got to thinking about what a Fresno-themed “would you rather” post would look like, because we desperately need some of those clicks (just… kidding?). So, with assists from fellow Bees Donald Munro (I don’t endorse his salsa claims) and Bethany Clough, here are 10 hypothetical Fresno scenarios . Please submit your answers in the comment section, unless you are that person with a fake Facebook account and no profile picture who keeps raging whenever I write anything fun. You should abstain.
WOULD YOU RATHER…
Drive the entire length of the Fashion Fair parking lot the week before Christmas?
Sit naked in a Tower Theatre chair (the super prickly ones) during a sold-out performance of your choosing…
Lick the bottom of a Warnors Theatre chair (one of the ones with 400 or however many years of gunk on it) before sitting comfortably at whatever performance you want?
ONLY eat Taco Bell "Mexican food" (no Sal's, Don Pepe's, Castillo's, etc.) for a year…
Give up all tri-tip for a year?
Eat a free pint of Ampersand ice cream every day without consequence…
Work your current job in a swimming pool during summer?
Spend a day twirling signs on the corner of Blackstone and Shaw avenues in 106-degree heat…
Spend three minutes lying nude on a 75-degree sidewalk in front of Fashion Fair?
Get one free Chipotle burrito 50 days in a row…
One free burrito three days in a row from Antonio's (best salsa in town)?
Spend half an hour in line behind people who don't know how to work the self-scanners to buy a heavily discounted jar of peanut butter at FoodMaxx…
Two minutes in line behind people dressed better than you are to buy a $34 pound of cheese at Whole Foods?
Spend a free day watching the entire second season of “Stranger Things” (given to you ahead of release)…
Spend a free day as the only person allowed in Yosemite National Park?
Watch a Fresno Grizzlies (or Fresno Tacos, Burgers, Aardvarks or whatever that crazy marketing team thinks up next) game in 110-degree heat…
Watch a Fresno State football game in the pouring rain?
Spend 30 minutes entering and exiting the River Park roundabout on a busy weekend…
Wait in line for an H&M dressing room on a Saturday during a major sale?