'Dogs no longer darlings of ESPN

Published online on Saturday, Apr. 25, 2009

Enter the Warzone, staving off the demise of newspapers one quip at a time.

The NFL draft has become so pervasive in our sports culture that jokes about Mel Kiper Jr.'s oil-slicked hair aren't even funny anymore.

But Todd "Q-tip" McShay is fair game -- for now.

Thanks to blanket coverage, we know Matthew Stafford's parents divorced when he was in high school and Mark Sanchez's great-grandparents were farmworkers.

But we don't know if either can play quarterback in the NFL. That's why this three-month buildup is so absurd.

One interesting draft tidbit we learned this week is that Kiper's wife cuts his hair.

No word if she uses scissors or pruning sheers. (Sorry, we couldn't resist.)

Not surprised to learn that Tom Brandstater feels people outside Fresno have a higher opinion of him than Fresno residents.

Those people didn't watch him play the last four years. Despite above-average tools, Brandstater was an average college quarterback.

We'll be surprised -- pleasantly surprised, but surprised -- if Brandstater does more than hold a clipboard in the NFL.

Bear Pascoe, meanwhile, should find his niche as a blocking tight end. Every team needs at least one.

Thanks to Al Davis' unhealthy obsession with speed, the Oakland Raiders passed on the most productive wide receiver in recent memory (Michael Crabtree) to select a guy no one outside the state of Maryland has ever heard of (Darrius Heyward-Bey).

Al probably thought Jerry Rice was slow, too.

Spring football is behind us, and Fresno State is no closer to naming a starting quarterback than when it started.

That can't be a good thing.

Remember when the Bulldogs were national television darlings? Those days are as gone as salmon in the San Joaquin River.

Fresno State is scheduled to make one appearance on ESPN this fall. That's compared to six for Boise State and four for Nevada. Guess the network execs haven't forgotten 61-10, either.

Annoying NBA habit we wish would stop immediately: Players who step into the lane to high-five a teammate after every free throw.

Could you imagine doing that when Rick Barry or Larry Bird was shooting? The glare would've frozen coffee.

Scott McClain will make a lot more money playing in Japan than he did wearing a Fresno Grizzlies uniform, so don't feel sorry for him.

But it sure would've been nice if Grizzlies fans had the chance to bid him sayonara.

Until Dallas McPherson (back spasms) and Josh Phelps (shoulder) show up, the Grizzlies will have less power than a vacuum cleaner.

For no particular reason: Mike Mamula.

Forbes magazine recently listed the New York Yankees as being worth $1.5 billon, the exact same amount the team paid for its new launching pad of a stadium.

According to our calculations, that must mean Yankees players are worthless.

Did you hear Bob Dylan, John Mellencamp and Willie Nelson are coming to Chukchansi Park on Aug. 14 as part of their tour of minor league stadiums?

They're calling it the Playing on Grass Tour.