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Columnists - Marek Warszawski section

Warzone stuffed with quick quips

Published online on Saturday, Dec. 20, 2008

By Marek Warszawski / The Fresno Bee
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Enter the Warzone, the pithiest 2 minutes in sports:

  • Did you see where Pat Hill told folks in New Mexico that Bulldogs fans would "rent every bus in Fresno" for Saturday's bowl game?

    Let's see: Take 600 fans, figure 60 fans per bus and you get a grand total of 10 buses in the city.

    Of course, Hill was a sociology major.

  • Congrats to Fresno's own Clifton Smith, named to the Pro Bowl as a rookie kick returner.

Known as Batman in his hometown, Smith has picked up a new nickname -- Peanut -- during his short time with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Why Peanut? Said one of Smith's teammates, "He's too small to be a cashew."

  • Before he orally committed to Fresno State, Derek Carr was getting feelers from ... wait for it ... Boise State. Bulldogs fans just let out a collective shudder.

    "Boise was all over him," said Rodger Carr, Derek's father. "I was like, 'Dude, you don't want to go to Boise.' Pat would've been all over me."

  • Did Penn State really just give 82-year-old coach Joe Paterno a three-year contract extension? No word whether God signed off on the deal.

  • When Clovis High hired Jerry Campbell as football coach coming off a 1-9 season in Texas, then-athletic director Dave Bens said, "We're betting on the man, not the record."

    This week, Campbell was forced to resign after going 2-19 in two seasons.

    Guess the record mattered after all.

  • Loved that gigantic photo in Monday's Bee that showed Steve Cleveland's head buried in his hands during a particularly ugly loss to Montana.

    To be fair, this year's Bulldogs basketball team has been a lot easier on the eyes. Last year, we could've printed that photo after every game.

  • The Bulldogs played a school last night called South Carolina-Upstate. Guess Northern South Carolina would've been too confusing.

  • Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips suggested that Adam Jones had "18 lives" after Pacman's recent return to the team. One for each arrest.

  • Did you see where the Sacramento Kings are retiring the jersey numbers worn by Vlade Divac and Chris Webber. What? Was Dwayne Schintzius unavailable?

  • Can't stand those sycophants who insist "every weekend is like a playoff" in college football's regular season. Yeah, unless Texas beats Oklahoma.

  • For no particular reason: Asen Asparuhov.

  • Do waterfowl hunters and bird watchers even realize how much they have in common? That is, until you get to the shooting part.

  • Great Moments in Sports Journalism, Part I:

    Caller (older gentleman, circa 2000): Tell me about Fresno State's new Armenian wide receiver.

    Us: What Armenian wide receiver?

    Caller: Bernard Berrian!


    • So you think you’re pithier than The Warzone? E-mail him at marekw@fresnobee.com or call (559) 441-6218, and he may even credit you for original material in a future column.

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