Dear Amy: "Sandy," my husband's sister, has a new boyfriend. She is in her 40s, and this is her first boyfriend after two failed relationships that produced two children whom we adore.
My husband's parents are thrilled about "Jimmy." He has money and a prestigious job, and he seems to be a catch.
The huge issue is that Jimmy is still married. He lives with his wife and two young children in a town about an hour from where Sandy lives.
We think this Jimmy character is a complete scoundrel. He says he can't divorce his wife because he is Catholic and Catholics don't believe in divorce.
Jimmy's wife wants him to go to counseling. Now the family is bad-mouthing her for hanging on to him when he really loves Sandy.
They want us to welcome Jimmy at family events and be all chummy. They say we would really like him because he is a man of such integrity.
What should we do? They seem to want to talk him up all the time, but we don't have it in us, due to our own faith. We can't help but empathize with his wife and the four young children who are being hurt by what we see as two selfish adults.
Amy, are we being judgmental? Should we just act as if all is well and go on?
-- D
Dear D: The Catholic Church may not believe in divorce, but the church does have a mechanism for the dissolution of a marriage. What the Catholic Church doesn't sanction is adultery.
Because Jimmy is such a concerned Catholic, he should sit down with his priest for some serious counseling and to brush up on the outlines of his faith practice.
In terms of your relationship with these two, sometimes it's OK to judge. What you shouldn't do is impose your judgment onto an adult who is making her own choices -- however foolhardy you believe them to be.
If asked, you should say, "We don't like this situation at all and feel you're making a mistake that will affect not just you but your family." Otherwise, you should be cordial, skeptical and no chummier than you feel comfortable being.
Evidently, this crew talks very openly about Jimmy's situation, discussing his wife's choices. You should discourage this -- they are belittling her, violating her privacy and attempting to draw you into their drama.
Dear Amy: I am a 25-year-old woman. I came out of a bad relationship that ended in divorce but jumped right back into another one. He moved in six months ago.
After a good start, my relationship seems to be getting worse. He does not do anything around the house, but he wants to have his friends over constantly. He is very rude and belittling to me.
I usually cook, but if he doesn't like what I have made, he walks out without saying goodbye and returns shortly with only enough fast food for himself, which he eats in front of my 8-year-old son.
I am not sure if I should have him move out, and I am starting to feel that there is no right man for me.
-- Lost in love
Dear Lost: By my math, you had your son when you were 17 years old. You jumped straight into another relationship when your marriage went south.
You need to figure out who you are, and you can't do that with an abusive jerk sitting on your couch. He must go.
After he leaves, don't embark on another relationship for at least six months. Concentrate on developing your professional skills and on being with your child. When you do have a relationship, date -- don't cohabit.
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