We're here at the Ego-Bloated Comedians Who Make Terrible Summer Movies World Championships, and let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, the competition in this final round is going to be fierce.
In one corner, we have Mike Myers, whose "The Love Guru" is so bad that one movie projector in Columbus, Ohio, reportedly tried to run away from it.
And in the other corner, we have Adam Sandler, currently starring in "You Don't Mess With the Zohan," a film so sloppy and lame-brained that it could have been written by a gerbil.
Let's take a look at the key categories of the competition:
Worst plot"Guru": Ostensibly, it's about a self-professed relationship expert who steps in to help patch up a marriage between a hockey player and his estranged wife. But it's really just a chance for Myers to riff for far too long with a second-tier comic character who'd be good for (maybe) one skit on "Saturday Night Live," but not a feature film.
"Zohan": This one at least has a better premise: Ace Israeli commando decides to chuck violence for a living and become a New York hairdresser. Unfortunately, it descends into a bizarre comic commentary on the Palestinian- Israeli conflict.
Advantage: "Guru."
Worst sight gag"Guru": Ben Kingsley, who once stirred the world with his sensitive portrayal of Mahatma Gandhi, urinates into a bucket, sticks in a mop and then twirls it in close range of a bunch of students at his ashram.
"Zohan": Sandler gets hot and heavy with the ancient Charlotte Rae, who played "Mrs. Garrett" on "The Facts of Life."
Advantage: "Guru."
Most humiliating co-starring appearance by an acclaimed actor"Guru": See above.
"Zohan": John Turturro, who has appeared in such acclaimed films as "O Brother, Where Art Thou"?
Advantage: "Guru."
Most humiliating cameo by a celebrity"Guru": Stephen Colbert, who gets to act like he's on drugs.
"Zohan": Henry Winkler, who gets to vomit after a wild limousine ride.
Advantage: "Zohan."
Worst supporting performance by an actress who may be a robot"Guru": Jessica Alba, who has the emotional range of a toaster oven.
"Zohan": Mariah Carey, who manages to read her lines with even less conviction than someone telling her cell phone to make a call.
Advantage: "Zohan."
Worst costume"Guru": Stereotypical flowing robe, flower lei, etc.
"Zohan": cut-off jean shorts stuffed with padding in all the wrong places.
Advantage: "Zohan."
Most egregious placement"Guru": Deepak Chopra, who not only gets mentioned constantly as the No. 1 self-help expert in the world, but also gets the only cameo in the movie that isn't downright embarrassing.
"Zohan": Paul Mitchell, who gets more free advertising for his shampoo than you'd think would be possible for a hair-care product.
Advantage: "Guru."
Worst hair"Guru": Long and boring, complete with curlicue mustache.
"Zohan": An '80s extravaganza.
Advantage: "Guru."
Oddest use of a member of the animal kingdom in a joke"Guru": Amorous pachyderms engaging in public behavior better reserved for the privacy of an elephant Holiday Inn.
"Zohan": An ongoing gag in which a cat is used in a Hacky Sack game.
Advantage: "Guru."
And the winner is: No surprise, really. If Myers hasn't made the worst movie of the year, then I shudder to think what could be in store for the rest of 2008.
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