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We few, we daffy few, we band of blockheads

Published online on Thursday, Oct. 08, 2009

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Hello, idiots of Fresno.

As you've probably heard by now, our fair city finished dead last on a list ranking the smartest cities in America released this week by The Daily Beast.

Or maybe you hadn't heard. Maybe you were too busy wearing your dunce cap and trying to figure out how you got chewing gum in your ear.

(I think being called dumb is better if we can laugh about it, don't you?)

For those who missed it, The Daily Beast -- a news/opinion Web site started by a former editor of Vanity Fair and The New Yorker -- ranked the 55 most populated cities in the country, by their collective brainpower.

Fresno and its metro area finished at 55 with a collective IQ of 3. By contrast, smarty-pants winners Raleigh-Durham had a 170 IQ.

Gaaaaaaasp!

What a dubious distinction. We should be ashamed, right?

And all you people who bad-mouth Fresno at every turn (yet, curiously, still live here) surely feel vindicated, right?

Meh. I say we turn this short bus around before we arrive at the intersection of Self-Hatred Street and Pity Party Lane.

You want to know what's stupid? I'll tell ya. And it's not us.

It's these rank-all-the-cities lists that Fresno ends up on every few months.

Remember back in 2005 when Men's Health named us the 14th fittest city in the U.S., then turned around a few months later and ranked our eating habits 89th out of 101 cities, giving us an F?

You don't think something's screwy with the methodology there?

So far this year Fresno has been ranked the eighth drunkest city, the eighth best city for outdoor grilling and seventh in terms of bad hair.

Last year, we were the 19th most walkable city. In 2005, we were one of least affordable places to live, according to a study that said both Oakland and Orange County were more affordable than Fresno. Say what now?

Point is: All these lists are silly. Somebody somewhere crunches a bunch of numbers about a city they probably have never been to, and ta-da, they have some rankings.

I'm sure it sells magazines, increases Web traffic and gets headlines (doh!).

But should we give the studies any credence? Not really.

The Daily Beast survey looked at things such as how many people had bachelor's and master's degrees and -- get this -- nonfiction book sales.

So people reading that salacious new Mackenzie Phillips book are smarter than people who read newspapers and magazines? Good to know.

Truth is, yes, there are some real dummies here. There are also some very intelligent people in Fresno. Like anywhere.

And let's not forget a college degree doesn't make someone smart.

In Fresno, I've met smart people who went to Harvard and smart people who barely finished high school.

I've met smart people who didn't go to college, but know things about farming they don't teach in school.

Some Fresnans immigrated into this country and overcame language and culture barriers to make something of themselves. They don't hand out degrees for that.

And I'm sure there are people in Fresno smart enough not to believe everything some Web site tells them about themselves.