MADISON, Wis. -- One man-trip per year is all it would take.
I'm telling you right now, we could practically rid the world of male anxiety and stress if every guy took one man-trip a year.
Like the one I heard about this weekend. Four buddies who all went to Fresno State together were going to meet in Minneapolis on Thursday, then road trip 270 miles to Madison for today's Fresno State vs. Wisconsin game. The only plans were to drive a boat on the Mississippi River, spend some time in a casino, and eat enough brats to possibly send someone to the emergency room. Oh, and maybe make it to the game.
This was a trip I could definitely invite myself on.
Before I really get started, one of the guys backed out, so only four of us actually made the trip. The guy ditched at the last minute to attend a friend's wine-tasting. I'm not even sure if that's the truth -- let's be honest, it can't be the truth -- but here's an important note. The excuse was so bad the other three guys were too shocked to even give him a hard time. Every time his name came up on the trip, everyone just got quiet, as if we were mourning the death of his manhood.
The driver was John Hoschette, who after the loss to USC in 2005, laid in his hotel bed and stared at the ceiling for far too long. He is still recovering. John lives in the Twin Cities now and works in finance or accounting or something. You don't talk about work on a man-trip.
Riding shotgun was Brad Harper, a big-chested guy who played catcher for Fresno State in the last years of the Bob Bennett era. In the back was yours truly and "B-Rizzle," who will remain anonymous for the purposes of not tipping off the government or the Mafia to his whereabouts.
We arrived Thursday in Minneapolis and drove to Prescott, Wis., where John's parents have a place on the Mississippi River. I'm convinced it is physically impossible to avoid fun in the state of Wisconsin. Even prisoners are happy here.
By the time Thursday ended, we had driven a boat 25 miles to Treasure Island Casino, contributed to the local economy, driven at an exhilarating pace on the way back, even swam in the Mississippi the way Huck Finn used to. It looked, well, the color of the bucket of water after you've washed a Jeep, but Brad hasn't developed any visible tumors since.
At a charming little pub called "Scab's" (you'll think I'm making this up, but the T-shirts really do say, "Thanks for picking Scab's") Brad immediately struck up a conversation with a guy in a Milwaukee Brewers hat with no front teeth. Of course, they talked Casey McGehee, the former Fresno State baseball player who now plays for the Brewers.
On a trip like this, it's important to bond with the locals.
On Friday morning, we rented a SUV and there was some confusion on the reservation, and some frustration on our part, as is the case in 99.9% of all trips to the car rental place. Until the man behind the counter mentioned maybe we were supposed to be at the Avis two doors down. Oops. He then casually mentioned he wouldn't have rented a car to guys in Fresno State T-shirts anyway.
Maybe Wisconsin wasn't as friendly as I remember.
There might be more trees-per-mile in Wisconsin than any other state. That's always surprising. It should be the Wilderness State, not the Cheese State.
About 20 miles into the trip, there was some discussion about turning around and buying plane tickets. We forged on, though. It's important to get out on the road sometimes, talk about guy stuff, reconnect with nature, you know, from behind the window in the air conditioning.
A quick rundown of the road-trip topics. 1. The meth habits of truckers. 2. John's driving ability while texting. (The following was wondered aloud: "I wonder how this thing does on crash ratings.") 3. How quickly Wisconsinites would get run over if they drove that slow in the left lane in California. 4. Why cheers-ing with random bikers is not always a wise move. 5. How a guy with a license plate that reads "FLEXXN" should definitely be run off the road. 6. Whether Hardees and Carl's Jr. are really the same restaurant, and how many fun fast-food places exist in the Midwest that no one knows about.
Also, Fresno State should retire Lorenzo Neal's number immediately. We decided that somewhere near Tomah, Wis. See, we made some crucial decisions. It was a tough, but important trip that needed to be made.
I, for one, am ready to make the sacrifice again next year.
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