Dear Amy: I have been coaching at the grade school level for 12 years. This past season of basketball was my last. As a gift for the years I have dedicated to the sport, all the parents donated money toward a coaching gift as they usually do. However, since this year was a bigger "thank you," instead of money, one parent picked out a bracelet for me. It is very expensive and made of gold. However, it is not my style.
While I am very thankful for the gesture, I really would prefer to exchange it or just return it and keep the money.
Could I do this without offending the gift-givers, or should I just keep it?
-- Curious coach
Dear Coach: This bracelet is your property, and you can do what you want with it, but I would urge you to see this a little differently.
While these parents surely want you to be happy with your gift, if you let them know you are returning it for the money, they'll be hurt.
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we should keep our gifts of appreciation -- even if we don't particularly like them.
If you kept it, every time you looked at this bracelet, you would know exactly where it came from and remember the spirit with which it was offered.
Dear Amy: My husband and I each married for the second time and each have two children from the previous marriage. We've been married for seven years.
I was a single parent for 15 years before marrying again. I kept my former husband's surname after divorce because it was also my children's name.
When I remarried, I legally changed my last name to that of my current husband's. I do, however, maintain two personal accounts (not joint) on which I am using both last names (hyphenated).
What is making me crazy is that my now-husband continues to call his former father-in-law "Dad," even though he detests his former wife and really has nothing good to say about Dad, either, though they do maintain a distant professional business relationship.
I think he should revert to calling former FIL by his first name and give up the "Dad" designation.
When I suggest this to my husband, he becomes extremely defensive and throws in my face that I still get mail directed to me using the hyphenated last names. Am I wrong on this?
-- Denver, Colorado
Dear Denver: You think that these two naming choices shouldn't really be linked, but your husband has this much right: Both of you are essentially expressing your hurt and anger over an ongoing connection to a long-ago former spouse.
The main issue is how you both are dealing with this issue ( badly).
Unless there are definite legal reasons for you to use your other married name when banking, why do you?
You could say, "Wow. This isn't really rational, but I can see that my using this name hurts you. My reaction to this 'Dad' thing isn't really rational, either, but it hurts me too. How about we both make the change?"
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