Teen won't accept divorced Mom's boyfriend

Published online on Saturday, Oct. 24, 2009

Dear Amy: I am in my 50s, with a 17-year-old daughter. I've been divorced for 10 years. Her dad is remarried.

I've been seeing someone for a year, and my daughter can't stand him. He's a nice guy. My daughter said she doesn't have a reason, but she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around.

So, how to handle this?

I've told her it's my choice, my house, and I can have company (he has never stayed overnight and has very rarely been over for meals). Occasionally we go out and he picks me up at home.

Otherwise, 99% of the time I see him is when my daughter is at her dad's house. I've told her she has to be civil, because he's my guest, but she heads to the basement or to a friend's house whenever he is around.

What if I end up with him, and she won't tolerate him?

Must I choose one or the other? Should I tell her that either he comes with me to her wedding or other events -- or I won't go?

Holidays are coming up. I don't want to exclude him from the holiday meal.

Am I being manipulated, or am I selfish for wanting him to be around some more, including around my daughter?

I haven't dated in the last 10 years.

-- Worried mom

Dear Worried: Let's assume that you have ruled out anything sinister here and that the only thing "wrong" with your guy is that you choose to be with him.

Keep in mind that for your girl, this relationship represents a huge change. Until now, you dated her exclusively.

Spend plenty of time with your daughter. And you should expect her to spend more -- rather than less -- time in proximity to you with your guy.

Include him in events she can't flee from, but which aren't too intimate. If she is involved in school events, then he can accompany you to see her perform or play sports.

Do not issue ultimatums, which will only raise the stakes. Over the holidays, keep things very low-key, but if you want to include him at dinner, then do.

If you and your ex-husband are amiable, you can ask him if he has any ideas; he and his wife are in a position to help your daughter through this.

If you become alarmed, or if she engages in any destructive or self-destructive behavior, check with a therapist specializing in adolescent issues. She may need outside help to sort this out.