Don't put yourself on a deadline for coming out

Published online on Tuesday, Oct. 06, 2009

Dear Amy: I'm a gay teenage guy, and I have no idea how to come out.

My family is more liberal than most, but I can't even begin to gauge their reaction.

I'm not sure about my friends, either -- we never really discuss "serious" issues with each other, so how do I bring it up? With Facebook and e-mail taking over, should I tell them in person?

And I have no clue what to do about the relatives and friends I don't see every day -- do I call? E-mail? Tell them over the holidays?

Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day. I might be able to bring myself to do it then, but it's tough to do when I can't tell how anybody will react.

-- Nervous

Dear Nervous: Coming out is a process that doesn't follow neat guidelines or timetables.

Start the process by talking with the person in your life whom you deem most likely to be supportive. If you have any "out" gay friends or relatives, they might share their experience and offer advice.

As you and your friends mature, you will all wrestle with questions of relationships and sexuality (and a lot of other things). Please do not make important personal disclosures on Facebook. Tell whomever you want to tell personally.

You can rarely anticipate how another person reacts to any particular thing. You can check for local events for National Coming Out Day and read coming-out stories on the Human Rights Campaign's Web site at hrc.org.

Dear Amy: My grandson will soon turn 16.

I have written, called and given gifts to him over the years, and he does not reciprocate or express interest. In fact, he erased a call a year ago, then lied to his parents, saying I had not called.

My husband and I moved to be closer to my daughter and her family four years ago. There is little encouragement from them to have a relationship with their children.

I do have a relationship with his two sisters. We talk, write and see each other.

What should I do about a birthday gift for him?

-- Perplexed Grandma

Dear Grandma: Adolescent boys have a horror of being noticed, and their personal radar can sense a grannie headed their way at 500 paces.

If your daughter and her husband had done a better job of facilitating a family relationship, this wouldn't be so challenging.

Don't give up on the boy. Also, don't fret too much about a gift.

Your focus should be on developing more of a connection to him, without seeming to try too hard.