Needs solitude to grieve over brother's death

Published online on Saturday, Oct. 03, 2009

Dear Amy: My brother, who was in his 40s, recently died unexpectedly.

I am usually a very social person, but I find I have to be alone to mourn the loss.

I have lovely, generous friends, but they don't seem to understand that I just need to be by myself right now.

I do not want to talk, I do not want visits, I do not want another casserole, and I really do not want to be asked, "Where are you in the grieving process?"

How do I communicate this clearly without seeming ungrateful?

-- Sad Sister

Dear Sister: You've heard about the different stages of grieving, no doubt.

This is probably what your friends are referring to when they inquire about the grieving process. The inquiry is intrusive because it forces you to categorize and perhaps even quantify an experience that is like an unruly river -- fluid in parts and meandering in others -- and disrupted by eddies, oxbows, and strong and unpredictable deep-water currents.

If forced to choose a stage of grieving, it sounds to me as though you are at the stage called, "Back off; I need some privacy."

Place a hand on your concerned friend's arm. Say, "You are so thoughtful and I appreciate it. But I've got to do this by myself for a while. I'm going to check in with you, but I hope you'll be patient, OK?"

Listening to strangers describe their grief will give you the language to use. The experience will bind you to others in an important way.

Your local hospital or hospice care center will help you find a nearby group.

Dear Amy: I am part of an eight-member bridge club that meets monthly.

One of the members never takes her turn as hostess.

She's likable but always has excuses why she can't host, or she says maybe next month she'll host, but that never happens.

What can we do to insist that she must take her turn without sounding mean?

-- A Bridge Too Far

Dear Bridge: Drop it. Forget it.

I could speculate about why she continues to dodge her duty (my best guess is that her house isn't presentable), but whatever her reasons, you and the rest of the group should come to terms about this by either asking her to leave the group or accepting that your friend isn't able to host. I recommend the latter.

You could find other ways for her to contribute by asking if she could bring the snacks or drinks.