Friend's addiction is too much to handle alone

Published online on Thursday, Sep. 17, 2009

Dear Amy: My best friend smokes marijuana. We're both 18 and have just started college.

I don't know what to do. My friend used to smoke twice a year, then a few times a month, then every weekend, and now it's every day -- most days three or four times a day.

She smokes because if she doesn't, she'll cut herself.

She has been cutting since eighth grade. She has a rubber band that she keeps on her wrist, and when she can't cut, she snaps the rubber band against her skin.

With her smoking more, she says she cuts less. Her logic is that smoking pot is better than cutting, and I understand that.

She wants to try cocaine. She has done mushrooms, and she's a really bad drunk. She knows that she has a problem, but she doesn't want to quit. She doesn't see the need to stop.

Her parents don't seem to care. Her mother doesn't believe in medication. The few times she went to a psychiatrist and he suggested pills, her mom said no.

I just don't know what to do.

-- Worried Friend

Dear Worried: This is too much for you to handle. Your friend's problems are many and layered, and most likely related. Her drug use has spiraled into addiction. An addict's impulse is to keep going; stopping isn't a priority.

Your friend must get professional help to get this under control. Your school has a counseling center -- please go and speak to a counselor, who will help you manage your feelings and can also suggest resources for your friend.

The dean of student life will also want to speak with her concerning her behavior and prospects for being successful in college. In addition to the harm she is doing to herself, her drinking and drug use are illegal.

You should also contact her parents to tell them exactly what is going on.

Dear Amy: I started seeing a guy last year. We built a relationship over several months.

Both of us were separated, he for a year and me for more than two years.

One evening he told me he didn't want to get serious, but then -- in the next breath -- asked if I'd like to move in with him.

He asked me to bear with him, as he had things he needed to deal with. Then, six days later, he called me to say he wouldn't be coming to see me because he had met someone near where he lives and wanted to date her.

I know he had feelings for me. I could see it in his eyes and by the way he treated me.

I've been in shock ever since he called, and I can't stop thinking about him. I had really been falling for him, but I didn't want to scare him.

I sent him an e-mail three weeks after the breakup, but he ignored it. Should I try again?

-- Wondering

Dear Wondering: Don't interpret the look in this guy's eyes as anything other than the proverbial deer in the headlights. He is a drowning man, grasping at relationship driftwood.

Don't get in touch with him. In fact, do your best to wipe this guy from your relationship memory bank and turn your attention to other, more positive pursuits.