Parents are concerned about son's sexuality and drinking

Published online on Monday, Sep. 07, 2009

Dear Amy: My husband and I suspect that my son is gay. We are wondering if we should say anything to him regarding this issue.

My husband and I don't understand how this could be and do not believe in this lifestyle for him.

But one thing we know is that we love him now and always.

I have noticed that since he has been home from college, he will have a drink in the evening. I don't want this to become a problem.

We don't drink.

I hope he is not using alcohol to deal with his sexuality. Should we approach him about this, and, if so, how?

-- Anxious

Dear Anxious: Your son's sexuality isn't a lifestyle any more than your sexuality is. Nor is it something you and your husband need to "believe in" because it isn't a question of faith. It is what it is.

Obviously, you are struggling with this issue, as many parents do. Your son might be unsure, conflicted, racked with guilt or just waiting for the right girl to come along. (He might not be gay at all.)

You and your husband should prepare yourselves to talk to him by talking with each other. When you do have this conversation with him, it's OK to say, "We're struggling with this, but we love you now and always will."

Don't combine the alcohol conversation with the sexuality conversation because one issue is a potential problem and the other should be addressed with an open-ended reminder of your love and support.

For more information, check the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Web site at pflag.org.

Dear Amy: My son and his wife got married in May with only the immediate family present, but with the plan of having a "real wedding for the rest of the world" at a later date -- either this year or next.

At the "real wedding," who pays for the reception? My husband and I have offered to cover the flowers, the DJ, the minister, the invitations and the gift bags for the guests.

At dinner last night, my daughter-in-law's father suggested we should split the whole thing.

We always felt that the wedding and reception were the bride's family's responsibility. What's the best way to handle this?

-- Mother of the Groom

Dear Mother: Adults pay their own way, or at least assume the responsibility for financing their own parties. If you'd like to contribute to this wedding celebration, that's generous of you, but the standard convention of the parents of the bride paying for the reception shouldn't apply here.

If you and the other family want this couple to have a bigger wedding and party, then I agree that you should co-host it and split the costs.