Son must confront his problems with addiction

Published online on Thursday, Aug. 27, 2009

Dear Amy: I have an adult son who grew up with problems: ADHD, learning problems, poor social skills and rejection by peers.

When he hit adulthood (he is now in his early 40s), he developed addictions to alcohol and hard drugs.

It seems clear that his earlier problems are factors in his current problems. There are also possible genetic factors.

Knowing this makes it incredibly difficult for me to decide how to respond. I know he has been through so much pain.

He has gone through rehab, detox, etc., repeatedly, and sooner or later he relapses.

I believe I must make a decision soon to withdraw my attempts to help, hoping he will "hit bottom" and thus become motivated to help himself.

My therapist leans in this direction.

But what if he overdoses, commits suicide or goes into a deep depression (which runs in our family)? Can I live with this?

What should I do?

-- Baffled Mother

Dear Baffled: "Hitting bottom" is different for different people.

The concept of "bottoming out" can be dangerous, for reasons you identify.

Addiction is very tricky to treat, and, unfortunately, relapse is extremely common. You should try to discern any patterns that emerge from your son's behavior of use, treatment and relapse.

You must face with courage what you or other family members might be doing to enable your son's addiction or inhibit his recovery.

In addition to therapy, you should attend Al-Anon meetings (check www.al-anon.alateen.org/ for local sessions), learn to detach from your son's choices, withdraw any financial support that may go toward his substance abuse and institute some very basic ground rules for your son's interactions with you.

This is heartbreaking. Your burden is to accept this painful situation as reality, respond with loving detachment and do your best to preserve your own physical and mental health.

Your son has complicated issues. Sobriety should always be his goal, but as an adult, he's going to have to learn to work on his problems and take personal responsibility for his choices.

Dear Amy: You should reconsider your advice to "Ashamed in Tennessee." In my view, it is best not to get too close to neighbors. If one has a problem with friends, you can just stay away from them, but you can't escape from your neighbors.

I maintain a speaking relationship with my neighbors, but I do try to maintain a short distance from them.

-- Distant Neighbor

Dear Distant: "Ashamed" hadn't yet spoken to her new neighbor. You can't maintain a "speaking relationship" unless you actually introduce yourself, and I hope Ashamed finds a way to do so.