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The Local Scene has a great opportunity.

The Fresno Bee is looking for a new sports editor. Our current bossman, Robert Zizzo, is being "promoted" to Metro editor -- in charge of such mundane matters as murders, political graft and the price of peaches.

So TLS is throwing its hat into the ring to be Emperor of The Bee's sports department.

Here's our credentials: We're old, been around a long time and can write a lot of inches about any topic.

OK, here's the downside: We're old, been around too long, and often write a lot of inches on topics nobody cares about.

So we've decided to take our chances with a platform to revolutionize The Bee's sports coverage and build office morale.

If chosen, here's what we'd do:

*Institute a "no socks" dress code from May 1 to Nov. 1.

*Because football is so boring, make volleyball the featured fall sport. To grab Pat Hill's fans, it would be full-contact volleyball -- with pads.

*In winter, cover anything played in Hawaii or San Diego.

*Prep sports writers would get a week off between seasons. Hey, its not our fault basketball starts during football season.

*Persuade Fresno State to serve milkshakes in the press rooms.

*Pay overtime to any reporter who has to cover an overtime game, then bill the teams that were so lame they couldn't decide a winner in regulation play.

*Persuade local sports organizations they need to consolidate their events if they want coverage. That way one reporter could cover the stock-car races AND the tennis match on the race track infield.

*Inspire the troops at staff meetings by quoting lines from "Caddyshack," "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" and "The Big Lebowski."

*Tell coaches we will base our coverage on how many snappy quotes their teams come up with. Any coach guilty of stating "Joe Smith stepped up for us today" or "Give the other team credit, they played us tough" would find his game story on Page 6 -- under the fishing report.

*No neckties in the office. Wait, we're already doing that.

*A trip to Orlando for any reporter who writes a Fresno State story without using the words settlement, gender discrimination, NCAA violation, budget deficit or Scott Johnson.

*And, finally, we'd install a new piece of equipment in the sports editor's office. Two words: Margarita machine.

Who's hot?

Fresno Fuego coach Scott Alcorn well remembers his team's run to the Premier Development League semifinals last season. The Fuego won six games in a row down the stretch before losing 1-0 in the semis to Laredo.

And now he's watching a rival make a similar run.

The San Fernando Valley Quakes, who host Fresno today in a winner-goes-to-the-playoffs showdown, is undefeated in its past 10 games (6-0-4).

"The Quakes are this year's Fuego," Alcorn said Thursday after his team dismantled the Southern California Seahorses 5-2. "They're on fire."

Alcorn hopes the Fuego's fire burns brighter today at Calabasas High.

Have clubs, will travel

Bryson DeChambeau is racking up the miles this summer. The 14-year-old golf whiz from Clovis is just back from San Diego, where he finished third in the boys 13-14 division of the Junior World Golf Championships.

Next month he'll represent Northern California in the Canada International Friendship Cup (Aug. 20-22 in Vancouver) and the Pacific Southwest Cup in Dallas (Labor Day weekend).

In June, DeChambeau competed for the West Coast team in the World Youth Team Challenge event in Chicago.

Who, what, where, when

Honk if you'd love to see Fresno's Robert Kendrick and Raquel Kops-Jones team for mixed doubles at the U.S. Open. ... Fresno Pacific pitcher Daniel Brodie and utility player Case Rigby are playing for the Athletes In Action summer baseball team based in Xenia, Ohio; Brodie is 3-1 and has held opponents to a .203 batting average in 33 innings, and Rigby is hitting .301 with 22 RBIs. ... By winning the 100 backstroke at the Long Course Senior Championship Meet at Clovis in 1:06.17, Fresno Pacific sophomore Cheyenne Coffman qualified for the Junior National Championships from Aug. 4-8 in Minneapolis.