Enter the Warzone, under the cap and over the moon.
• LeBron James opts out of his contract but will stay in Miami for less money. Whoops, he wants a max deal. Nope, he's angling for Houston or Los Angeles. Wrong, he's going back to Cleveland.
Carmelo Anthony ditching New York for Los Angeles. Chris Bosh bolting for Houston ... if LeBron doesn't re-sign with Miami.
The only thing missing from this circus is the dancing elephants.
• Ah, the NBA offseason: Nowhere else in sports do rumors, speculation and innuendo get reported as actual news by so many with so much conviction.
• While Kobe Bryant will make $25 million next season, Tim Duncan has to make do with $10 million.
Which helps explain why one is an NBA champion, and the other will never be again.
• Anthony and Bryant on the same team?
Sure, if the 10 other players submit signed agreements to never touch the ball.
• 'Sources: Bosh considers Rockets' max offer,' blared the headline on ESPN.com.
Uh, who wouldn't?
• The Athletics' bold acquisitions of Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel makes them the best team in baseball ... for the regular season.
Best team in the playoffs? That remains to be seen.
• Samardzija owns a career ERA of 3.95 and has spent his entire career pitching on lousy teams (i.e. the Cubs).
So let's not compare him to Justin Verlander or Max Scherzer just yet.
• Meanwhile, Giants GM Brian Sabean says none of his prospects are "untouchable" in trades.
Probably because none of them merit that designation.
• Johnny Damon hasn't played in MLB since 2012 but says he can "outhit at least half the league."
Well, at least the half that includes the Giants.
• What does it mean when Nelson Cruz gets voted to start the All-Star Game one year after he served a 50-game suspension?
It means baseball fans dig the longball more than they hate PEDs.
• A warm Fresno welcome to Marco Scutaro, on a rehab assignment with the Grizzlies.
Nothing like 100-degree temperatures to keep the back nice and loose.
• Nikko Motta, the former Fresno State defensive lineman from Sanger, has joined Tim Simons' staff at Clovis North High.
Motta will mentor USC commit Jacob Daniel while working on his teaching credential.
• Former Bee sports writer Terry Betterton sent along this dispatch about the World Cup:
"I used to think soccer was a communist plot, only to discover it is worse. The Berlin Wall is down, but soccer is still here."
Terry's only kidding -- we think.
• That Wimbledon final between Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer was the best tennis match we've watched all year.
Of course, it's also the only tennis match we've watched all year.
• Wait ... the $10 bill we found in that old pair of jeans wasn't Fresno's Hidden Cash?
• Prior to scarfing 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes, Joey Chestnut asked his girlfriend to marry him.
Proposal, then disposal.
• For no particular reason: Marlon Byrd
• The Minnesota Twins are installing self-serve beer stations with prepaid cards that allow customers to pour up to 48 ounces every 15 minutes.
Twins baseball: More watchable when you're not sober.
• A New York man caught napping on camera during a Yankees-Red Sox game filed a $10 million defamation lawsuit against ESPN and MLB.
Here's one instance where "You snooze, you lose" does not apply.
The Warzone is always sleeping on the job. Roust him at (559) 441-6218, firstname.lastname@example.org or @MarekTheBee on Twitter.