Ask Amy: Grandma struggles to connect with grandson

February 24, 2014 

Dear Readers: I'm stepping away from the "Ask Amy" column for a week. Please enjoy these hand-picked "best of" columns in my absence.

Dear Amy: I am a 65-year-old widowed grandmother living in New York City. Frequently a male companion and I visit my daughter, son-in-law and their son, "Jeb," on Long Island. The boy is 5 years old. Never do I get a kiss from Jeb, and only on his parents urging do I get a desultory, fleeting hug, whereas my companion is welcomed with smiles, kisses and high fives. My companion, very fond of Jeb, has offered to stay away, so Jeb won't be distracted. Please advise.

— Heartbroken grandma (2003)

Dear Heartbroken: No creature is more mercurial, prickly and sensitive than a 5-year-old is, and 5-year-old boys are famously female-averse. Most boys this age feel that, except for mom, "girls" are yucky.

I'm concerned that you are taking his behavior personally when it is so normal. Please don't remove your male friend from the scene — it wouldn't achieve what you wish and would be confusing for everyone.

I spoke with Dr. Lillian Carson, author of "The Essential Grandparent" (essentialgrandparent.com), who says you should set your sensitivity aside and find creative ways to connect with him because you need one another in your lives.

Carson suggests that you ask "Jeb" what toys or games he enjoys and get him to take you on a tour of his room, showing you his favorite things so you can interact.

Please remember that relationships take time and that no one likes to be forced to hug or kiss someone. Would you like that?

Dear Amy: In your column you occasionally refer to the "basics of having a relationship." But what are these basics?

I'm only 87 years young, and I'm attempting to find friends after my wife of 61 years died over a year ago. I live in a small town, and there are probably many people who are as dumb about relationships as I am.

— An older reader (2004)

Dear Reader: I think we're all pretty dumb about relationships, but friendships and relationships can grow — with some practice.

A daily trip to the library or your local diner, regular attendance at a house of worship or involvement with a seniors club will help put you together with people who are happy to see you and who you look forward to seeing.

That's where relationships start. They start with a nod and a smile and a conversation.

 

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@tribune.com, follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.

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