Ask Amy: Long-distance engagement spurs doubts

FresnoJanuary 13, 2014 

Dear Amy: I reconnected with a friend from high school after 40 years. We started a romantic, virtual courtship through phone calls, emails and cards over several months. We live in different states. We became engaged in December 2012, but I have some major concerns.

Apart from the long-distance relationship and my serious issues with relocating at some point in the near future, he recently told me he has run out of money and hasn't paid taxes in more than a year.

He recently bought a beautiful home for us that needs major renovations. He made a large down payment on this house and is remodeling it himself. He is 60 years old and has no savings whatsoever. He is a self-employed attorney. He recently visited me and confessed that he now has a medical condition that is causing severe joint and muscle pain.

He has lost all interest in sex, so our relationship has become purely platonic. I am a vital 59-year-old attractive woman who enjoys sex immensely. When I asked him what's going on in the bedroom, he said he doesn't feel like being sexual.

I am a successful consultant who owns my business and my own home. I have always had healthy sexual relationships. I feel isolated and lonely most weekends and am leaning toward breaking off the engagement.

Am I being too unrealistic to expect my partner to be financially stable and want to have sex with me?

— Long-distance dilemma

Dear Dilemma: You sound very self-actualized, so it is strange that you would override good sense and become engaged to someone in another state. You also sound somewhat surprised to be in a relationship that has "serious implications."

Every relationship has serious implications. Marriage is the ultimate serious implication, and ideally in a marriage spouses accept the "for better and for worse" aspect of the relationship.

You have every right to want what you want, and now that you know what a challenge this man presents to you, you should break off the engagement.

Dear Amy: The woman who signed her letter "Not Good Enough?" just doesn't get it. No man will propose marriage to a woman he has already lived with for four years.

Remember that saying: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? That applies here.

— Wiser

Dear Wiser: I hate that saying, even if it is true.


You can contact Amy Dickinson via email at, follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.

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