Ask Amy: Wife should not rest assured

December 5, 2013 

Dear Amy: I have been married for 14 years and have two children.

My husband travels out of state every week for work. Seven months ago I found out he was having an affair with a woman who lived about an hour and a half from the city he travels to.

For the sake of our family, I told him I'd forgive him, and he ended the affair.

The other woman divorced. Occasionally, I look her up online. I just saw a post about how she's moving to the city that my husband travels to each week.

I'm feeling worried and suspicious that this isn't a coincidence. I'd like to just ask my husband about this, but I am worried that if he truly has had no contact with her, I'd be courting trouble by providing him with this information. Should I stay quiet and just keep a watchful eye, or should I share my concerns with him?

— Worried wife

Dear Worried: This series of events seems more than coincidental.

If you and your husband are going to reconcile and move forward with a clean slate, you have to be emotionally intimate with each other. This is especially important following an affair.

Two things must happen: You need to be honest with him about your fears and suspicions, and he needs to be completely transparent about everything — all of his social media, email, phone, etc. Transparency does not guarantee anything; it is very easy to hide contact (especially given his travel schedule), but being open with you will demonstrate his desire to build back the trust he took from the relationship.

With infidelity there is no "presumed innocence." The burden of proof is on the perpetrator.

If he is unaware that this woman is moving (doubtful), then he needs to know so he can avoid her efforts to contact him.

Most likely he does know she is moving. And so now he will know that you know too.

Dear Amy: "Conflicted in the Heartland" wondered about disclosing his political differences with his wife on Facebook. In your answer, you said that clicking "like" on Facebook does not imply an endorsement, only that you have read the post. I disagree. I only click "like" if I actually like something!

— Facebook fan

Dear Fan: Most respondents agreed with you.

 

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@tribune.com, follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.

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